Thoughts on Going Back to School

I am writing this post on the weekend, but by the time it's posted, I will have been back to school for a few days.

Going back to school last semester was one of the hardest things I've ever done.  I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's true.  Scarlett was only 6 weeks old, and I feel like the clinic supervisor gave me a very intense clinical schedule considering I had just had a baby.  On top of that, my hormones were still out-of-whack, which meant my emotions were all over the place.  I felt stressed out, guilty, and depressed all the time.  On top of that, Scarlett was underweight, I was nursing and had to worry about pumping on my long days, my grandma had just passed away, my sister was planning to move away from the area, and it was just more than I was ready to deal with.  There were so many days when I thought about taking the semester off, or felt terrible jealousy of my friends who were able to be stay-at-home moms.

I think being a working mom will be very difficult, but I'm thinking being a grad-school mom might be even harder.  Because last semester when I came home at the end of the day, I was not done for the day.  I had lots of homework and lesson plans to complete all while entertaining/taking care of/feeding a baby.  I felt like I had no quality time to spend with her and it was killing me.

As the semester went on, it got a little easier.  I had a huge paper due on November 13 (it ended up being 22 pages long) and there were 2 weeks leading up to that when I feel like I literally had not a single moment of free time for her, and I was sleeping about 4 or 5 hours a night.  I felt like I was about to reach my breaking point during those weeks.  But then once that paper was handed in, everything got so much easier!  I realized that the semester had flown by!  I learned to stop feeling guilty.  I decided that I didn't need to get all A's as long as I passed all my classes.  And I decided to put spending time with Scarlett and Luke first, and school second.  Things got so much easier when I realized that's how my priorities need to be.  I have to put God first, my family second, and everything else after that.

The funny thing is that I still got all A's this semester.  All that worrying for grades that really don't even matter all that much (although to be honest I am proud that I was able to do that with a new baby, and with my difficult research methods class that semester).  One of my clinic supervisors paid me the highest compliment I think she could have when she said, "You did a great job this semester!  If you hadn't talked about your infant at home, I would have had no idea.  You never let it make you late or effect your work at all."  That made me feel really good, because I never wanted to get special treatment as a new mom, and I never wanted the two worlds to mix.

So I got pretty good at not letting new mommy-hood affect my school and clinic work, but I'm sad to say that it took me the entire semester to realize I could prevent my school and clinic work from affecting the time I had with Scarlett.  Next semester I want to spend more time with her NOT feeling rushed or like I should be studying or doing something else.

This is turning into kind of a stream-of-consciousness post.  Anyway, onto this semester.  I have my school externship, and I can't wait!  I think I want to work in the schools, so I'm really excited.  My supervisor seems really sweet, and I think she will be great to work with (and I've had a couple not-so-great-to-work-with supervisors in the past, so that's a relief!)

Overall I am feeling so much better about going back to school this semester than last!  My emotions are more normal and in-check, I am excited to be in a school, and I'm more interested in my classes this semester than I was last semester.  I guess things are really looking up!

The best part is I only have 2 semesters left, and I'll graduate in August.  Seeing the light at the end of the tunnel helps too!  I'll be so excited when I graduate, get a job, and actually get paid (instead of paying tens of thousands of dollars) for all the work I put in.  And the amount of at-home work should be greatly reduced or even non-existent as well.

15 weeks until I'm 1 semester away from graduation.  Bring it on, spring semester, 2014.  Scarlett and I are ready for you!

To Fear or Surrender

There is nothing I wanted more in this world than to become a mom.  and I am so blessed that my dream is coming true in a mere 3 months!

However, if I've learned anything in the past 6 months, I've learned that bringing a child into this world brings fear like I never would have imagined. 

For one thing, I already feel like I would do anything to prevent Scarlett from ever getting hurt - physically or emotionally.  

Let's even talk about my cats for a moment.  There have been a few rare occasions when I have accidentally caused them physical pain.  Like the time Ellie was hiding under the bed when I was making it, and I stepped on her tail, causing her to jump up and hit her head on the metal part of our bed frame.  She yelped and ran across the house, and I frantically ran after her to scoop her up and try to make her feel better.  You guys, I even shed a few tears because I felt so bad.  Luke thinks I act ridiculous when things like that happen.  But it's just an innate part of my nature: I want to nurture things.  I want to take the pain away.  

Lately I've been thinking about Scarlett.  As much as I wish I could shield her from pain, I know that is impossible.  She will get scraped and bruised.  She will be betrayed by friends.  She will have her heart broken.  And as much as I wish this wasn't true, I'm sure I will be the cause of her pain at times, too.  

But being afraid of all the pain Scarlett has ahead of her is just the tip of the iceberg.  There's another aspect of this whole parenthood thing that really scares me.  And that is that I have helped to create a human, and 50% of her DNA came directly from me.

Gulp.

Nothing has ever made all of my shortcomings seem so crystal clear.

I find myself praying things like, "God, please don't let Scarlett be timid like me."  "Don't let her be as selfish as I am."  "You can give her my curly hair [she's going to hate me for that when she's 13!] or my girly-ness  but please not my freckles or my awkwardness.  Please don't give her my terrible eyesight or my height.  Or my tendency to worry to the point of making myself sick."

Unfortunately, I don't think it works like that.  I don't think we get to pick and choose the characteristics we pass on to our children.  And while there are certainly traits of mine that I hope Scarlett does not get because I know they've made my own life more difficult, God is the one who's in control of her life.  Not me. I'm sure He has created her with so many sweet traits, and some not-so-desirable ones too.  Because we are human, and we are not perfect.  But God can use our imperfections for His glory, and I pray that He will do that with Scarlett. 

I've been wrestling with these thoughts and fears for weeks, and I had finally felt a peace about it all.  And then the other day I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw post after post about the Boston Marathon.  As the horrific details unfolded, I felt the tears streaming down my face.  And for the second time, I felt a little selfish for wanted to bring another human being into this evil, fallen world.  

(The first time I felt that way was on December 14 -- Sandy Hook).

If the world is this corrupt now, what will it be like when Scarlett is my age?  What will she have to deal with?

It's terrifying if you let yourself think about it too much.

But then God reminded me that, yes, we live in a fallen, sinful world.  

However, we are all made in the image of God.  And for every tragedy happens, there are hundreds of thousands...maybe even millions of people praying over the situation, and doing whatever they can to help.

There is still plenty of good in this world.  And as Scarlett's mother, it is my job to help her find it.  Once again, it goes back to the fact that she is a child of God.  No matter what she faces in this life, He is with her, and He will protect her.  He has a plan for her life.  I am just here to push her in the right direction, and teach her what she needs to know.  

In light of all of that, there is no fear that has any validity.  I might as well stop with the "what ifs" and embrace the fact that I have a powerful God that can answer that question a million times over.

He is the answer.  So I am ready to let go of all these fears! 

Now, I wonder how many times I will have to re-read this post to give myself a pep-talk, as Scarlett and her future siblings grow?  Ha!  If only surrender was a one-time thing.  But I find it to be more of a daily decision.  Here's to many, many days of making that decision as we begin this journey of parenthood in a few months!