When Mother's Day Hurts

June will mark 3 years of waiting for a baby for Luke and I.  And luckily at that point we will only be one month out from meeting our daughter.  But I'm just saying that to show that I am no stranger to waiting for a baby.

I still don't know why God made us wait so long for a baby.  Nor do I know why he chose to bless us with this pregnancy at a time I least expected it.  Chalk it up to His mysterious ways, and His perfect timing.

I am so beyond thrilled that we are so close to meeting Scarlett, but there has been a tiny, dark cloud over my entire pregnancy.  And that is the fact that I have friends, blog friends and in-real-life friends, who are still waiting on their miracle baby.  I can't fully be excited when I have friends who are hurting so much while they wait.  My own period of waiting has given me a heart for these women.  

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week, and I didn't want it to pass without acknowledging the women who are struggling with this disease.  

I also wanted to address the fact that Mother's Day is just a few weeks away.  It's not a happy holiday for everyone.  

Last year, I wrote a post the day after Mother's Day, about how it had gone fantastically and I hadn't felt discontent at all.  

What I hadn't bargained for was a few hours after writing that post, having one of the most alienating experiences of my entire life at a mother-daughter banquet.  

Actually, it wasn't a "mother-daughter banquet."  Our church makes a big deal of calling it a "Daughters of the King" banquet.  That way, every woman feels welcome, whether she has children or not; or whether she has a mother or not.  Usually it's just a fun night to come together, have a catered dinner, and listen to an inspiring speaker.  

Last year the banquet started out great.  I sat at a table with my mom, grandma, aunt, cousins, and a few friends, and we had a great time visiting.  

I wasn't ready for what happened when we entered the sanctuary to hear the speaker, though.  She started out with some funny jokes and anecdotes about motherhood -- how hard it is, and how it takes such a special type of person to be a mother.  In the first five minutes I was choking back tears.  On and on she went about motherhood, and how it was the most difficult and rewarding job anyone could ever be blessed with.  

I was kicking myself for sitting in the front with my friends, instead of in the back with my mom and grandma.  As I felt the hot tears sting my cheeks I felt like everyone was watching me.  I desperately wanted to sneak out of the sanctuary, but didn't want to draw attention to myself.  I felt trapped.  

Her sermon was like the culmination of two years of mourning while waiting to become a mother.  It made me wonder why God didn't think I was ready for this wonderful, difficult, life-changing job.  It made me think there was something so wrong with me, and as I said earlier, it was probably the most alienated I have ever felt in my life as I sat in a room full of so many mothers.  On top of it all was a layer of guilt for having such selfish feelings.

I somehow got my feelings in check, and made myself stop listening to her words for the remainder of the service.  But as I left the room and saw my mom, I started bawling, right there in the middle of everything in the church lobby.  I could not pull myself together.  Luckily I think my grandma and mom were the only ones who saw me crying.  I just left as quickly as possible so I could go home and cry in private.

I am crying fresh tears today remembering how much it hurt.  I know the speaker had only good intentions in preaching about motherhood, but listening to her words was one of the most painful hours of my life. 

I never posted about this experience because it made me feel guilty and immature.  For a long time, I never understood why her words hurt me so badly.  But looking back on it almost a year later, I know that it was okay for me to have those feelings.  And I'm posting it today to show you a little bit about what it's like for someone who is struggling with infertility around Mother's Day.  

I can only imagine the pain is probably equal for someone who has lost a mother, or who doesn't have a good relationship with theirs.  

So if you have a friend who is struggling with infertility, give her an extra hug on May 12.  Send her a text, and let her know you are praying for her.  Be careful about what you share about your own Mother's Day, because it can be like salt in a wound to someone who wants to be a mother more than anything else in the world.

And if you are struggling with infertility this Mother's Day, know that it's okay to be sad.  Don't make yourself feel guilty on top of all the grief.  I don't often advise skipping church, but this might be the one day a year it's okay to have special one-on-one worship time with the Lord at your kitchen table or on your front porch where you won't have to watch the baby dedications, or listen to sermons about motherhood.  Know that there are people who are praying for you, and God has a perfect plan for your life! 

I really believe that Mother's Day will always be a bittersweet day for me.  Obviously I am so excited to be celebrating my first Mother's Day in 2014 with an almost one-year-old.  But I believe that day will also serve as a reminder of the pain I experienced during Mother's Days while waiting, and as a reminder of all my friends who are still struggling with this ugly disease.  

In the end, I know that God has grieved over every tear I've ever shed over this situation, and I have faith that He will use every bit of pain I experienced for His glory.  

Eat Your Way to Fertility: Part 1

[Disclaimer: I am not writing this post to put down modern medicine or doctors.  I know they are totally needed and I have friends who would not be here today if it weren't for medical interventions.  However, I do believe that there are a lot of medical problems that can be solved through a healthy diet.  Diet can be a better solution to certain problems because it goes to the core of the problem where some medications treat the symptom and not the root cause.]

Yes, that was kind of an awkward post title, wasn't it?  But I think this is worth posting.

I was watching The Dr. Oz Show the other day, and he was talking about hormonal imbalances in women.  That spurred on the writing of this post.  I was the poster child for hormonal imbalance, going more than a year without ovulating.  I went through a few rounds of progesterone pills and Clomid, and I'm pretty sure those things just served to throw things off even more.

Not only was I having hormonal problems, but I also had extreme allergies, chronic sinus infections and bronchitis, and stomach pains that I'm pretty sure rivaled labor pains.  I'll let you know in a few months.

Along with the medical interventions for my hormonal problems, I was also seeing an ear, nose, and throat specialist to treat my sinus problems.  He was waiting until the end of the school year to schedule a sinuplasty: invasive surgery on my sinuses.

I am so thankful for my parents and in-laws for directing me and giving the means for me to see a chiropractor for nutritional therapy so that I never did have to have that surgery, and I will not have to visit a fertility specialist.  After a few months of changing my diet and lifestyle, my body was back on track:

• I started ovulating within a month of starting "treatment"
• I became pregnant without actively trying after 2.5 years of nothing but
• All of my sinus problems 100% disappeared
• My stomach pains are a distant memory
• I haven't been sick with so much as a cold since I started "treatment."  I should add that your immune system is suppressed during pregnancy, and I also have been working with kids (now preschoolers who like to put everything in their mouths) since September.  All of this during one of the most intense flu seasons ever. Holy immune system boost, Batman!

I guess you could say that I went from being the poster child for imbalanced hormones, to being the poster child for successful nutritional therapy. 

I am at that age where I have many friends who are trying for a baby, and I wanted to share my knowledge! I am not promising that eating this way will get you pregnant right away.  But I am promising that it will really increase your chances!  Especially if you can get your husband to eat this way too! 

Admittedly, I was so desperate that I jumped into these diet changes whole-heartedly, without abandon.  I made some extreme changes, but as you can see above, I got some extreme results, too!  Here is an overview of what I did, that I believe ultimately led to baby Scarlett's existence (at least partly. Ha!):

1. Water, Water Water!  

The first thing I did was cut out every other drink option.  Goodbye morning cup of coffee, glass of sweet iced tea with lunch, and Diet Coke while out to dinner.   With a few exceptions on special occasions when I would order an unsweetened iced tea and then use Stevia to sweeten it, water was all I drank for months.  I kept a 28 oz water bottle with me 24/7 (literally) and made sure I drank at least 2 full bottles each day.  A rule of thumb is that you take your weight, divide it by 2, and drink that much water in ounces each day.

2. Cut the sugar.  

I'm talking about processed sugar here.  All fruit, local honey, maple syrup, and fresh fruit juice are fair game.  Based on the Prism Wight Loss System, my rule of thumb as far as processed sugar goes, was that I looked at the ingredients list on an item, and if sugar was listed as item 5 or earlier, it was off-limits.  For someone with a sweet tooth like me, that sounded absolutely impossible at first.  But once you cut it out, you really don't crave it anymore!  Fruit or 100% natural peanut butter (Smuckers Natural is my fav) would fill the void for me.

3. Cut the white, enriched flour. 

Seriously guys, this stuff might as well be poison.  And it turns to sugar in your blood.  I went for a few months where I cut all flour out completely.  then I started adding in 100% whole wheat flour, but in moderation.  Some good things to substitute to fill the craving are brown rice instead of pasta and rice cakes instead of bread.  To this day I would take a rice cake with all natural peanut butter and all natural Simply Fruit jam over a traditional pb&j sandwich.

4. Nuts and seeds instead of chips and crackers. 

Eat a snack that serves a nutritional punch instead of one with empty fat and calories.  Nuts and seeds include a lot of protein, healthy fats, and vitamins. If you ask me, they make you feel better and they taste better than potato chips anyway!  A little tip that I learned about serving size:  If you buy Emerald Nuts, fill the lid to the top for exactly 1 serving.  The perfect snack!  I personally could live solely on their cocoa roast almonds!  They're a little pricey, but so good!

5. Fat is good!  

Healthy fat, that is.  Healthy fat helps your body absorb the nutrients you eat.  It also gives your body energy. A diet lacking fat can put your body in starvation mode, which actually makes you store fat and gain weight!  Good fat comes from natural sources.  Some good examples are: avocados, nuts, seeds, and eggs.  Eggs are basically a super food.  Between scrambled eggs for breakfast and hard-boiled eggs on salads, we went through an average of 1.5 to 2 dozen eggs a week over the summer between the two of us!  

6. Don't forget the meat and vegetables!  

I've talked a lot about eating fruits and healthy fats, but meat and vegetables are important too.  As far as meat goes, I didn't give myself any specific restrictions, besides eating in moderation, because the protein was so good for me.  The only restriction I put on vegetables, was that I tried to restrict or at least limit my consumption of potatoes, because of the amount of starch in them.  Make yourself try some new or unique veggies...you will probably find a lot that you love!

7. Don't over-indulge.  Don't under-indulge.

Too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing.  Pay attention to serving sizes, and track your calories.  Based on my body weight and lifestyle, a healthy amount of calories per day for me was right around 1,200. I used the My Fitness Pal app to find out a healthy amount of daily calories, and to track my calories.  Just as important as making sure you don't eat too many calories, is making sure you don't eat too few calories.  Food is fuel for our bodies, just as gas is fuel for our cars!  If we don't get enough nutrients and calories, things start shutting down.  Often, one of the first things to shut down is our monthly cycles!  So make sure you are a healthy weight, and getting enough healthy calories, especially if you are trying to have a baby.

8. Healthy eating does not equal boring eating!  

On the contrary, it forces you to be creative.  I found myself looking forward to grocery shopping and meal planning because I couldn't wait to try new and creative food combinations or recipes.  Tomorrow I'm going to post some of my favorite meal and snack ideas. 

***

Those are the main principles I used to literally "spoon my way to health."  (I Love Lucy reference!)  Honestly, I am not eating this healthy anymore.  I got a little lax with my diet when grad school started, and then Scarlett decided to wreak havoc on my body to the point where I couldn't keep anything down.  And I haven't quite gotten back on track since then.  I am still eating a ton of the good stuff, but I've added in some of the not-so-good stuff too.  As soon as she's born, I plan on going back to my manic, healthy ways.  First of all, to get back to a healthy weight, and second of all, to start the long preparation for baby #2!  No, we are not planning on having our children super close together, but I want to get a head start this time!  I don't want to wait another 2.5 years after we start trying! (Although it is ultimately in God's hands, and I trust His timing!)

Anyway, if you are currently trying for a baby, or even thinking about trying for one soon, I highly recommend changing your diet if you aren't already eating healthy.  You probably don't need to be quite as gung-ho as I was, but I guarantee it will help you have a better chance of conceiving and having a healthy body with which to carry a baby!

*One more thing that I feel I should mention!  I was taking a lot of nutritional supplements while eating very healthy to help even out my hormones.  The supplements were made of 100% whole foods, and I think they served to boost my nutrition even more.  If this is something you are interested in, a lot of chiropractors practice nutritional therapy as well, and could help you decide which supplements you need.  If you are local to me, I have an amazing, amazing, AMAZING recommendation for one!  Let me know if you want more info!

I've Probably Been Judging You.

I've said it before, but one of the most difficult things about infertility is hearing and reading about pregnancy announcements.  Every time I would hear about another one, it would throw me for a loop.  If I read about it on Facebook or a blog, I was lucky, because I could just let the feelings out and cry right then and there.  And then feel like a horrible person for reacting that way.  If I found out in person, then I had to try to show some excitement, and hold back my tears until I was alone later.

Even as I type it, it still sounds so terrible.  I wish I had totally risen above it, and could have been happy for the dozens and dozens of pregnancy announcements I received in the past 2.5 years.  But that just didn't happen.  Instead, I started comparing my situation to theirs, and thinking things like, "But we've been married for so much longer," "...trying for so much longer," "they're not even married!" "They don't even want kids!" "They already have a baby/babies," "They've had 2 babies during the time we've been waiting for our first!"  ...it all just didn't seem fair. And then the worries would start nagging in the back of my mind, "Maybe God is punishing me for something," and the worst one of all, "Maybe he doesn't love me as much."  OF COURSE I knew in my head that those last two were not true.  But that didn't stop Satan from trying to convince me of those facts for almost 30 months straight.

Needless to say, it was a strange phenomenon of trying to feel happy for the person, always failing and focusing on my own sorrow instead, and then feeling totally guilty for reacing that way.  Luckily, I know from talking with other women who are going through fertility problems that these feelings are all pretty normal.  No, God does not honor jealousy and envy and wants us to move past those things, but I also think He mourns every tear we cry over these situations, and feels every ounce of our pain.  We are His children, after all.

The thing is, when we plant the seed of envy, it puts down roots in our heart, grows, and produces fruit of its own.  

For me, the fruit was judgment.  And I never even realized that until I became pregnant myself.  So I apologize right now for judging so many people!

If I heard a pregnant person complain about anything short of a medical emergency, I would secretly turn up my nose and roll my eyes.  If they knew how hard infertility was, and how some of us would KILL to feel a little morning sickness, they might think twice about complaining about a little nausea. 

Source: Uploaded by user via Jessica on Pinterest

But the truth is?  It turns out pregnancy is not easy for some people, and I did my fair share of complaining to my family members too.  Even though I swore I would never do that.  No, the first trimester was nowhere NEAR as hard or painful of those years of waiting, but it certainly wasn't easy, either!  What I didn't realize before was that it involves so much more than the nausea.  The nausea and vomiting was by far the worst part, but on top of that I felt so tired all I could do was lie down on the couch for about 80% of each day.  For weeks I had an aversion to literally every food.  And over time, the few comfort foods that seemed to help, became associated in my brain with the nausea, and eventually just the sight of them would make me gag.  And finally, I spent a lot of time feeling very sad and crying.  This symptom surprised me a lot, because I thought from the moment I found out I was pregnant forward, I would be so blissfully happy for the entire pregnancy.  But when your body is trying to manage such a massive amount of hormones, there is just no telling what is going to happen with your emotions.

I am not saying all of this to complain.  I thank God so much for every one of those symptoms!  But I'm just making the point that I was wrong before.  Pregnancy is not always easy, and I feel bad for being so hard on so many women.  That said, I do wish pregnant people would be careful who they complain to and what they complain about, in the same way that I think people who are married and in relationships should be careful of the same thing.  But that is a whole other post altogether.

Unfortunately, my judgment of pregnant women didn't end there.  I would be around pregnant people who drank caffeine or ate things they weren't supposed to eat and the judgment would rear it's ugly head.  No, I wouldn't say anything to them about it, but in my mind I was judging the crap out of them!  And now that I'm pregnant have I eaten healthily?  Definitely not all the time...for six weeks I ate anything that sounded like it might stay down.  And now I have an aversion to plain water (weird, I know, but it makes me gag) and have been drinking a lot more iced tea with caffeine than I care to admit.  

When I was going through infertility, I pictured myself doing everything just right during the pregnancy.  But in reality, I'm doing all those things I judged others for doing.  

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea.

If nothing else, being on the other side, and seeing the err of my ways has taught me a valuable lesson.  I do not know the situations or struggles that others are going through.  And clearly, I need to stop being so judgmental, especially if I have never been in their place before.  I'm glad my eyes have been opened to this, because I think it will help once the baby comes too.  I have no interest in participating in the "mommy wars" and being judgmental of other mothers.  So I hope I can remember how I had to put my foot in my mouth so much with this pregnancy since I'm doing so many things I didn't think I'd do! I'm so glad I have a forgiving God in times like these!  And I hope you all will forgive me as well, if I have been judging you.

To My Friends Who Are Still Waiting

I was so excited to announce my pregnancy, but I did it with a little twinge of sadness, as well.  My heart still breaks for each and every one of you who are still waiting for a baby.  I can honestly say I know exactly how you feel, and no one deserves to feel that way!

Between the fear and wondering if I would ever get pregnant, the stab of pain I'd feel every time someone else announced a pregnancy, and the feeling that I was being punished for not being "good" or "holy" enough, it was enough to do a real number on my heart for the past 2-and-a-half years.  I would not wish that on my worst enemy.

I just want to say that I'm still praying for all of you, and I literally feel your pain.  I just know that God has an amazing plan in store for each and every one of you!

Please email me if you would like specific prayer in this area.  I would love to pray for you!  mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com

Don't lose hope!  No situation is too hopeless for Christ.  No heart is too broken for Him to fix.  Let Him be your peace!

Joyful Acceptance

Hello, long lost blog friends!  I am ashamed to say that I have 206 unread items in Google Reader.  I'd like to just be one of those people who can click "Mark all as read" and move on with my life.  But alas, I am too afraid I will miss a big announcement or something, so I have plans to try to catch up on my blog reading and commenting at some point this weekend.  

Now onto the topic at hand today: joyful acceptance.

A couple Sundays ago, our pastor did a sermon entitled: "Confined, But Contented and Highly Effective."  It was one of those Sundays where the sermon just related too perfectly to everything I was going through, and I knew it wasn't a coincidence.

Here are some one-liners from the bulletin insert that hit home for me:

Life is not about what happens to you BUT it is about how you respond to what happens to you.

Attitude of joyful acceptance:

-God uses adversity to advance His cause.  (Philippians 1:12 "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel").

-God's people don't whine, they shine. (Philippians 2:14-15 "Do everything without grumbling or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.' Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky").

I filed the bulletin away after church, wanting to study it more, and let it really permeate my mind in the coming weeks.

***

  

Then this week, I began Beth Moore's Bible study on James.  James is one of my favorite books of the Bible because I am so convicted every time I read it.  When I think back on the big chapters and challenges in my life, I usually had scripture that I used as my mantra during those times.  During my current challenge of infertility, James has been it.  I read and outlined the book one afternoon over two years ago, because I felt God calling me to find comfort in those pages.  I specifically made chapter 1 verses 2-4 my own, and would say them over and over to myself on the really difficult days. ("Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.") I wrote a whole blog post about those verses here on July 8, 2010.  I can't read that post without crying.  Not because I'm sad, but because I see all that God has done since the day I wrote that; all because of that one storm that has been raging on to this day.

Anyway, even though I knew I'd be busy with school, when I heard our church was doing Beth Moore's study on James, I knew that wasn't a coincidence either.  I had to sign up.

It has been amazing so far.  Yesterday our study was about James 1:2-4.  I was so blessed in reading those pages!  What struck me the most was when Beth Moore wrote, "Trials don't get to steal from followers of Christ unless we hand over the goods. In fact, they're commanded to give goods to us if we're willing to receive them. Robbers or reapers, it's up to us."

There it is, laid out in black and white: it is our choice.  Our trials don't have to steal our joy!  In fact, they should give us joy, if we let them!

Being reminded of that makes me feel a little uncomfortable.  It makes me think of all those times when I've felt bitter, angry, jealous, frustrated, or even mad at God.  Because I know that I can't blame my circumstances for feeling that way.  I have to blame myself.

Going back to my sermon insert that I quoted earlier, "Life is not about what happens to you, but it is about how you respond to what happens to you."

Also, "God uses adversity to advance His cause."  When I read those words a few weeks ago on that Sunday morning,  I had to think.  Yes, I have been facing what I consider to be adversity in the past 2+ years.  Yes, I am at least trying to find the joy in those circumstances.  But have they been used to advance God's cause?

It really made me think.  How many people do I even come in contact with every day of my life?  I have my friends, family, and acquaintances from work, school, or church, and strangers.  I try to show the love of God, but I always feel like there's only so much I can do.

As I thought more about it, I realized that my biggest ministry is my blog.  I know my blog is certainly not big by any means, but the number of people who read my blog everyday is usually higher than the number of people I come in contact with, face-to-face in the same day.

Then this little question popped into my head: what if I had never started my blog almost four years ago?  Would God have chosen me to go through this fertility struggle if there weren't so many women whom I could share my story and His love with?

I'm not saying that I would or wouldn't be, but for a split second I wished that I didn't have a blog and my own tiny ministry.  I wished that I had a baby or maybe even two by now, and that no one had ever read the words I'd written.

But then I remembered a day in December of 2010.  I was taking a shower (why do most epiphanies happen in the shower?  Or is that just me?)  and I remember telling God that I wanted to face this trial head on, and let Him use it.  I wrote this post that morning, and wrote this in the last line of that post: "I challenge you today, whatever you are going through, to face it.  Trudge forward and choose to go through the flames.  He will use them to refine you, strengthen your faith, and bring glory to Him!"  I wrote those words, because that is exactly what I was choosing that morning.

So ultimately, after my selfish wish of never going through this trial, and never sharing my story, I remembered that I am His, and I want Him to use my life.  I will go through this trial, it will bring me joy and it will advance His cause!

...and today I can say that it is bringing me joy.  I feel like I've written the post a million times where I say how different my life would have been these past couple of years if things had happened differently.  The post where I say that God's plan is better than my plan.  But I say it again today, because it is so true!!!!

Yes, that warranted four exclamation points!

I pray that you will choose joy in your trials!  I pray that you will accept all that God has for you, joyfully!  And I pray that you would feel His love and peace in your heart today!

Not Done Yet

{Possible tmi ahead}

Twice in the past few months, I've experienced something that I'd never really experienced in our fertility struggle: the 2 week wait.  

What is the 2WW, you might ask?  It's the two weeks after you ovulate when you might be pregnant, but it's too soon to take a home pregnancy test.  

They could probably be renamed: "2 Weeks of Mind Games," or even "2 Weeks of Hell."  But I digress. 

I haven't written much about this, but ever since I've been eating right and taking whole food supplements for my adrenal gland and thyroid gland, my body has been doing what it hasn't been doing for the past 2 years: ovulating.  Not quite as regularly as I should be, but ovulating nonetheless. Which is a big, giant praise!

However, it does mean that I have to deal with the 2WW now.  

Let me quickly describe the 2WW: you spend it 1.) Trying not to get your hopes up, 2.)Getting your hopes up anyway, 3.)Lying awake at night playing the "am I, or am I not," game 4.)Trying to convince yourself that it's too early to take a pregnancy test, and 5.)Being hypersensitive to every little idiosyncrasy in your body.  Rinse and repeat.  

 During my 2WW this month I had many signs of early pregnancy.  The problem with that is that the signs of early pregnancy are also the signs of PMS. I blame Eve for this.  I assume PMS is her fault. I kind of just lump that in with "painful childbirth." (kidding). Anyway I kept going back and forth trying to decide which it was.  

Well let's just say, today I got a clear sign that it was 100% PMS.  Ugh, I thought the fact that I wasn't ovulating was more difficult than if I had been ovulating every month and not getting pregnant, but now I'm thinking it might have been a bit of a blessing.  Twelve 2WWs a year?  Kill me now.  

Anyway, I'm pretty sure yesterday goes down in history as one of the top ten worst days of my life.  I have never felt depressed like that.  Because I had convinced myself that I was probably pregnant, and my hopes were up.

All that to say...I was honestly really mad at God.  What can I say?...it happens sometimes.

I was having a giant pity party by the time evening rolled around.  And I was scheduled to help with a service project last night (some friends and I are helping to furnish and decorate a bedroom for a Christian home for women who are just getting out of prison). 

I drove all the way to the house literally fighting with God in my head, pleading with him and asking him why he chose me (well, us) to go through this when everyone around me seems to be having their second or third children.  I just  kept thinking how unfair it all seemed, and how I would so rather be getting ready for a baby than getting ready for grad school.  I'm just being honest.  And all the while I was kicking myself for being so immature and ridiculous, and wishing I could stop having these thoughts, and just start happily singing along to Pandora like I do every other time I drive my car (yeah, I'm a huge car-singer).  

I got to the house and walked in, trying to muster up a good attitude.  To get upstairs to the bedroom we were working on, I had to walk past the living room.  I stopped in my tracks as I read these words on the living room wall:

(sorry for the poor quality.  It says "Sing Sing Sing - The Lord's not done yet...")

I had looked at those words on that wall before, but I hadn't really seen them before.  It just made my heart stop and brought tears to my eyes because I felt like God let me see those words at the perfect moment.  I had just been struggling in the car over whether I should be happy and sing, or just dwell in my selfishness and foolishness and be mad at God.  And then the writing was literally on the wall:  God wants us to let go, be joyful enough to sing, and know that He's not done yet!

Yesterday I felt like my world was falling apart.  But God was telling me it's all just part of His plan -- the plan that's just beginning.  He's going to use every hurt and every tear for something greater.  If my pain can help even one person, then it's all worth it!  And that is the whole reason I've been so open about this on my blog today.  

I know I was being dramatic and selfish yesterday, but I'm so happy God speaks to us in many different ways. I know that wall decal was placed there to minister to the women who will be staying in this special house.  However, it really blessed me yesterday, and helped me remember that God is up to something.  I just have to let go again, and let Him do His thing. 

I feel like I've written a lot of posts that sound a lot like this one -- sometimes I think we just have to learn the same lesson multiple times.

What Waiting Has Taught Me

June 16 will mark two years of waiting for a child for me and Luke.  That's 24 months, 104 weeks, and 736 days.

At this point I feel like there isn't much I wouldn't do for a baby of my own.  It's just a very strong yearning I have inside of me.  Trust me, there have been a million times where I've wished that yearning wasn't there.  I would give anything to be more like my sister (I don't think she would mind my sharing that she has no interest in ever having kids).  But it just won't go away. 

This waiting, as hard as it has been, has taught me something so amazing about God's love! The other day it hit me:  if I am feeling this much love for a child that doesn't even exist yet, and I know I would do anything to have that child in my life, and I'd do anything for that child, how much more must God be that way toward us?

I know I will understand this more when I actually have a child of my own, because while I think I know what it would feel like, I know I really won't know the depth of a mother's love until I'm actually holding my child.  

However, this waiting must be a fraction of what the Lord feels when He is waiting for us, His children, to make the decision to follow Him. 

While this waiting isn't easy, and quite frankly I'm sick of it, God is willing to wait an eternity (or close) for us to make the decision to call Him "Father."  It blows me away when I think about it. Two years of waiting has almost been frustrating enough for me to throw in the towel.  It is completely incomprehensible how He could love us so much, that He would wait many lifetimes for His children.  

I may get discouraged when I think of how long I've had to wait.  But in the grand scheme of things, it hasn't been that long at all.  And I have a God that loves me an unfathomable amount, and He is in charge of my life!  Obviously if I've waited this long, it's for a good reason, because he definitely knows what He's doing!

Why I've Been MIA

Hello friends!  I guess it has been awhile since I've blogged.  To be honest, I was having a rough week last week and kind of distanced myself from literally everything and everyone.  Getting into graduate school is a dream come true, and the fact that I know that I'm for sure going to become an SLP is the biggest relief of my life.

However, whenever you choose something for your life, you are simultaneously giving up something else.  

Opportunity Cost.  

If you've been reading this blog for any time at all, I know you know what the opportunity cost of choosing school right now is.  And I'll leave it at that, because I just don't feel like typing it out today.

Last week, after I had had a whole week to celebrate my acceptance into Kent State University, the thing I was giving up (for now) really hit me.  And I think I had to mourn that a little bit.  I kept telling myself I was fine.  But by the time Friday rolled around and I realized I had pretty much not gone anywhere all week besides work and the grocery store, I realized I was very much not fine.  

So that is the reason for my absence.  And my distance from my friends as well (please don't be offended if you haven't heard from me lately!)  

However, I am writing today to say that at least for now, I'm past those feelings.  Will they come back periodically in the next 2 years of grad school?  Obviously.  It is a daily choice to surrender my will, and some days that choice won't come as easily or naturally as others. But what I've learned in the past week is that the feeling will pass, and I can choose not to focus on it.  

I have to mention that there seemed to be an additional dark cloud looming overhead last week, and that was Mother's Day.  I was so excited to celebrate the holiday with my own mom (and mom-in-law) but a huge part of Mother's Day is a big reminder that, well, I'm not one.  Last year on Mother's Day I sat in my seat at church and literally shook with sobs while they did the many, many baby dedications.  I hope no one noticed. You may think I was being overly dramatic, but please don't judge unless you've been there.  Anyway, it's a sort of a bittersweet holiday for me, and others who want to be moms, or who have lost theirs. 

This year I kind of knew what was coming and tried to prepare myself a little more so I didn't have an emotional breakdown during church, because last year I was totally caught off guard by those emotions.  I prayed that I wouldn't be dramatic about it, and that I could focus on celebrating the wonderful mother and mother-figures in my life.

I am so thankful for God's love in my life.  I feel like he really orchestrated everything perfectly yesterday.  First of all, we had an early Mother's Day brunch with Luke's side of the family.  Since we ate so early, we decided to go to the early service at church beforehand.  In the early service, there was only 1 baby dedication which was much easier than sitting through 10 or 15 of them, like in the later services (I hope that doesn't make me sound like a terrible person, but it is what it is).  Church was easy and the sermon was great and I promise not one tear fell down my cheek.  The depressed feelings were just gone.  

After church we had a delicious brunch and played Mexican train all morning.  It was so much fun, and again, I didn't even feel sorry for myself for a second.  I'm sure that was God's doing and not my own. 

Later we went to my parents' house and my sister and her husband were there, and we had lunch and talked and laughed for about 3 hours.  It was so wonderful after my not-so-great week.  

After our fun day of visiting with family, Luke and I had a bit of a date night.  We went out to see The Avengers and had popcorn for dinner (if you're doing Prism with me [hi mom!], pretend you didn't just read that.  I only had a little bit, and since I'm doing the program for my health problems, and not really to lose weight, I'm not following all the rules 100%.  Oops)

And while we were sitting there watching the movie, I realized something.  As much as I have prayed for and wanted a baby in the past 2 (or let's face it, 4) years, there are people out there who long for what I have: a hand to hold at the movie theater on a random Sunday night.  One of my pet peeves is pregnant women or moms who complain about being pregnant or moms.  For example, I overheard someone complaining at church yesterday that their daughter woke them up at 6 on their only day to sleep in to give them an overripe banana as breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.  Do you not know what some of us would give to be in your shoes?  Anyway, the same way I hate it when people take motherhood for granted, I'm sure there are people who think I take marriage for granted.  

And with that realization, I decided to really enjoy the rest of the evening knowing that God has already blessed me so much with Luke in my life for the past 8 years (what?! 8!?  When did we get so old?)

So that's the story of how I mourned the opportunity cost of going to grad school, and how I made it through Mother's Day much better than last year.  That alone tells me that God must have had (and still has) some work to do on my heart.  When I do finally become a mother, after waiting 2 + years, I know it will be the perfect time. 

And in the meantime, he must have some more work to do, so I better pay attention!    

My Thoughts on This Touchy Subject

I just found out the other day that this week is infertility awareness week, and of course I couldn't let that go by without saying something about it.

First of all, my blog-friend Callie Nicole wrote a great post titled, "When You Have an Infertile Friend" and as I commented to her, I think she hit the nail on the head.  I think it is definitely worth reading if you're interested.

Once I found out this week was infertility awareness week, I did a little research.  I found out that 1 in 8 couples struggles with infertility.

What?!  1 in 8?  That is a huge amount!  And that means that I probably have a lot more friends or acquaintances who are struggling through it in silence.  And my heart goes out to them.

There is a sort of stigma attached to infertility, and for a lot of people, it is a very private thing.  My advice to anyone who is struggling through it in silence is to tell at least one friend or family member.  I've found that the more people I've told, the easier it has been to deal with.  A lot of people I know IRL read my blog, and when I posted on the blog about our struggles, a lot of them have read it.  The good thing about that is, I don't get those annoying questions nearly as often now ("So when is it going to be your turn?"  and things like that).  People are generally more sensitive, and I know I have a ton of people praying for me.

In my own life, I've taken the stigma away by being open about our situation.  And life has been just a little bit easier since I did that.

However, I'm not saying that everyone who struggles with this should be open about it.  Everyone and every situation is different.  But for me, this has helped immensely.

And I have felt like I've needed to write this for a long time, to all of my friends in real life and in the blogosphere:  we have come a long way on this journey, and have grown a lot.  My jealous feelings are abating.  And while there may have been a time a few months ago where even being around babies sent me into a bout of depression for a few days, I have moved past that.  That being said, my biggest fear is that people are going to walk on eggshells around me.  I'm terrified that one of my cousins or my sister-in-law, or a close friend is going to become pregnant sometime soon, and be afraid to tell me.  And I don't want that at all!  Maybe that's not the case, but it's something I've grown incredibly paranoid about.  So I just want you all to know that I will be happy for you, and excited to welcome another baby!  So please don't walk on eggshells for my sake.


I know this post was all over the place, but I couldn't let the week go by without saying something.  If you have a friend struggling with infertility, I'd encourage you to read Callie's post listed above.  And if you are going through infertility (even if you're not medically diagnosed yet), feel free to join our prayer chain.  Just email me at mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com

Verbal Spill

I've tried to write this post about four times and it just keeps coming out whiny and all wrong.

So I'm just going to let my thoughts spill out. If you know me well in real life, you know that this is pretty much how I communicate: I just talk about whatever comes to my mind. My dad calls it my "stream of consciousness." So here you go:

I've heard and seen tons of pregnancy announcements lately. And you better believe Satan has been using them to make me feel completely isolated. He's feeding me lies like crazy. Telling me that God forgot about me. That He just doesn't want me to be happy, and that my infertility is a punishment because of some unknown yet unforgivable thing I've done in my past(look in the Old Testament and see how God often punished women...I'm sure you can see how Satan uses that to plant major paranoia and fear in me).

I can recognize the lies for what they are. However, they cross my mind multiple times a day, and it's gotten worse with the pregnancy announcements.

Sometimes I want to lock myself in my bedroom and close my eyes and cover my ears so I can't hear about anymore pregnancies until I have my own to announce. So many friends are "ahead of me" in life. And not just a bit ahead of me, but they've lapped me twice because most are expecting their second child (or third).

The thing is, my hands and arms feel so empty. I just know they were made to rock a newborn; to change diapers; to give baby baths; to wipe tears away; to give big bear hugs.

***

Today Satan wants my arms to be empty. He wants me to be so focused on the emptiness and pain that I miss one really important fact:

My arms were made for more than just baby-holding.

Maybe the reason they're empty right now is because God needs to fill them with something else. Maybe He wants me to take the comfort He has given me in the past 19 months, and use my empty hands to comfort and bless others.

I need to fill them with something:

• A broom or paintbrush to turn my house into a haven for my little family and those we invite into our home.
• A cookie sheet, baking up a blessing for someone who's lonely
• Things that I can give away to someone in need
• A textbook, getting ready for the future God has for me
• Hands folded in prayer for others who are going through this ugly infertility or other bad situations
• Etc. The possibilities are endless.

And there is the revelation. My verbal spillage always seems to result in a treasure.

I knew there was a reason 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 showed up in a sermon and in the book I was reading on Sunday:

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."

Maybe sometimes we have to go through pain in order to feel God's comfort and pass it on to others.

***

And just like that, you have been brought through the crazy maze that is my thought pattern. Kudos to you if you made it this far :-)

I am off to let God fill my arms. It seems silly to let them sit idle simply because they are not filled the way I want them to be. I'm glad that He has had victory in my heart today: in a day when I really wanted to curl up and sulk.

I Don't Want to Forget

Sometimes when I start to take my husband for granted and little things start to bother me, I remember that lonely, shy high schooler who wondered if anyone would ever notice me. Back then I would have been so ecstatic to be able to look into the future and see Luke there with me.

My heart is yearning for something different now. And someday when God answers my prayers, I don't want to forget the way I feel now.

When I suffer from morning sickness and fatigue...

Once my feet have swollen, and I can no longer see them...

Even when I'm screaming in a hospital bed...

I won't forget. It will all be worth it.

After I've been up all night with a screaming baby...

On the days when I can't find time for a shower...

I will remember the yearning in my heart.

When I'm cleaning up after a sick toddler...

On the days I want to lose my patience over tantrums...

I'll think back on these days, and know that I can handle anything

During sibling fights...

When I just need a break...

On those days when I just want a moment to myself, but the kids are begging me to read them a story...

I'll see those things as blessings. And I'll say yes every time, because I'll think back on these endless days of waiting.

I don't write this to be melodramatic. But during the Christmas season, it is hard not to picture life in the future with little ones at this time of year. I know how badly I want this, and I don't want to take it for granted once it comes. All this waiting has been so difficult, but I think it has taught me some things. I think I will appreciate every smile and kiss just a little bit more than I would have if I hadn't had to wait. I'll have a little more patience. I'll take advantage of more opportunities to spend time with my children. And I'll have a bit more thankfulness in my heart.

Look around you. How many of the things in your life are things you waited and yearned for? Are you appreciating them the way you thought you would? I know I need to open my eyes in some areas, and see how blessed I really am!

Getting Older

My birthday is coming up this Sunday. I'll be 27 years old. I don't know how that happened, because I could have sworn I was just 22 yesterday.

Anyway, I think most of us would agree that birthdays are fun to look forward to no matter how old we get. And I still believe that to a degree.

When Luke and I decided we wanted to expand our family, I was 25 years old.

25 is a pretty young age to begin a family, all things considered. But when I hit my 26th birthday, we had been trying for 5 months with no luck. And I remember having this terribly panicked feeling on my birthday because I was 26 and still not pregnant.

And as a sidenote, I was in a much worse place then emotionally than I am now. I've heard people scoff at others who have only been trying for a few months who are frustrated about not being pregnant yet. But I think it's almost harder then, because at that point, you haven't learned to deal with this situation yet. When you want a baby, you want it now, so I totally feel for those of you who have only been trying for a few months. It's hard no matter how long it's been going on!

Anyway, my 26th year passed without a pregnancy. And now I'm going to be 27 without a baby, without being pregnant.

Most of the time I would say I'm in an excellent place emotionally, all things considered. Now that I have a serious goal that I'm working on (getting my SLP degree), I've been able to take my thoughts away from the obsession that comes with infertility. And I'm incredibly thankful to God that I'm going through this without the added burden of depression.

However, there are certain things that always cause me to backslide a little bit. They are:

1. Pregnancy announcements

2. Babies (sometimes) because they remind me of how bad I want one!

3. Taking a pregnancy test (I don't even want to know how many I've taken in the past 17 months. When you don't have a regular cycle anyway, you don't have the luxury of being "late" and knowing when to take a test).

4. Apparently, birthdays.

I've decided I'm not going to think about any of this stuff on my actual birthday. But just knowing that I'm about to be a year older and I'm still not pregnant freaks me out a bit. Because even though I'll be 27, unless I get pregnant in the next 3 months, I won't be a mom until I'm at least 28.

And 28 is practically 30.

And I want to have 4 kids, so is that going to be enough time?? (still holding out the hope that Luke will decide he wants 4 kids instead of 3 ;-))

And who knows how many birthdays I'll have before I get pregnant?!

I'm sure you could see how these snowballing thoughts could freak a person out. Logically, I know that I'm still very young. I did not write this post to freak anyone out who is older than me. But these are the crazy things infertility can do to your thought patterns!

So my goal for now is to stop worrying!! Birthdays are meant to be fun, not times of panic! If I've learned nothing else in the past 17 months, I've learned that you really can control your thoughts, and it is absolutely pertinent. No matter what you're going through, really.

Take a Stand Against Fear

I want to start out this post by saying what a blessing our infertility prayer chain has been for me. I can't believe that we are already adding praises and seeing hope in these situations! Praise God! If you are going through infertility and would like to be added to our prayer chain, shoot me an email and let me know: mysomethingbeautifulblog {at} gmail {dot} com. Don't feel like you have to be struggling with diagnosed infertility to be added, either. I know for me that it was almost as difficult when we had just been trying for 5 or 6 months as it is now. No matter what your situation, we would love to pray for you!!

***

I have been thinking a lot about fear today. There are a lot of bad things that go along with infertility, but fear is among the worst of them. Here is a glimpse into my thought patterns involving fear:

"What if it takes me a long time to get pregnant?"

6 months later...

"What if there's something wrong with me preventing me from getting pregnant?"

6 months and multiple doctor's appointments after that...

"What if I never get pregnant?"

"My friends all have kids now. What if we grow apart since our lives are so different now?"

"What if my husband starts resenting me because I'm not getting pregnant?"

"What if our parents start feeling sad because they aren't grandparents yet, and all of their friends already are?"

"What will I do with my life if I can't be a mom?"

"What if I can't adopt either?"

And on and on and on it goes. Along with these questions and fears come anxiety, anger, jealousy, and depression. Before you know it, you're sprawled out on the floor, having a panic attack, feeling hopeless, and crying hysterically.

Yeah, I've been there.

A person could pretty easily and quickly drive themselves crazy this way. And I am not proud of all the times I've done this to myself.

God commands us to trust Him, and when we let fear grip us, we aren't being obedient to His command.

As soon as I let go of my fears and hand them, once again, over to the Lord, everything changes. I feel hope, I feel confident to face anything, and my eyes are opened to all the blessings surrounding me. I feel lighter and my anxiety disappears.

You see, the only reasons I let those fears creep in are because:

A.) I want to wallow and have a pity party,

and

B.) I am trying to control things myself.

Those are both bad reasons. Because:

A.) I'm not five years old

and

B.) I shouldn't be controlling things. I should be letting God have control. Plus, fertility is something that cannot be controlled by me alone. In fact, the more I try to control it, the more stress I put on the situation. Stress is not good when you're trying to get pregnant.

There is no reason for me to let fear grip me and control me the way it has in the past. And I'm taking a stand today to say that I'm not going to let it grip me or control me anymore!

Who's with me?

Lessons I Learned from Watching "Up"

I started a private blog about a year ago when things started getting really difficult regarding our fertility problems. I started it not only for myself - to help me deal with things, but also because I knew I planned on sharing some of these thoughts on my public blog someday.

The other day I remembered a post I had written about the movie Up, and knew I had to share it. The first part is a little depressing, but I promise it gets better :-)

"November 10, 2010

I had a rough day yesterday. I recently resumed temping in the mornings after taking a break for a month for my sanity, and my BBT [basal body temperature] had been high. Even though I was sick, I got my hopes up that maybe I was pregnant. I took a test yesterday morning, and of course it was negative. I had a ROUGH day. It felt like I had a relapse into the time a few months ago, before I started coming to terms with things.

But today I keep thinking about that scene in the movie Up. The scene where they find out that Ellie can't have a baby, so they decide to travel to Paradise Falls and essentially conquer the world instead. That is how I feel today. If I can't have a baby yet, I want to conquer the world today. I want to take advantage of my freedom and do things that I couldn't do if I had a little one. [just a warning if you haven't seen it...the clip is cute but really depressing at the same time :-P]

Babies will come in time. But for now, I'm happy with my sense of adventure...which is something that will probably die a little bit when I become pregnant."

Almost a year later, and I feel the exact same way! A big lesson I've learned during the past year-and-a-half is that you can't put life on hold while you wait for something. Whether it's waiting for the right guy to come along, marriage, the perfect job, or a baby, you must keep living.

My sense of adventure is something that has really blossomed in the past year-and-a-half, and I look at it as a blessing that came with this awful situation. Because of my new-found sense of adventure and the increased awareness of how much freedom I have without a baby, I've:

• Taken on more responsibility at church like when I wrote the church building project blog, worked on the campaign committee, wrote the campaign newsletters, and became one of the head library workers.
• Done things I wouldn't normally do, like in January when Luke and I spoke in front of the whole church on a Sunday morning
• Packed up and headed out to Arizona in the middle of winter, and in the middle of the school year. And those were some of the best days ever! (funny sidenote...I told Luke if we became pregnant while we were in Arizona, we were going to name our child Sedona if it was a girl. I think he was happy that didn't happen :-P)
• Stayed up late and slept in. A lot. Because I could. And I did not feel guilty about it one bit.
• Enjoyed time spent with my husband and relished in the flexibility of our schedule.
• Went to Cedar Point and rode every ride on our 3-year anniversary
• Lost weight (9 lbs to be exact!)...that wouldn't have happened if I had been pregnant!
• Quit my job to go back to school to follow a dream.

So does it stink to not be pregnant after 16 months of trying? Yes. But all the things I've gotten to do and all the places I've gotten to go have not escaped my notice. Somehow this situation has made me appreciate all the good things so much more. And it has helped me see that there are blessings every day in the freedom of not having a baby too. The last thing I want to do is wish this time away.

I'll let Pinterest deliver my final thoughts...because everything has more impact with a pretty font :-)

Source

Hope Playlist

I don't know about you, but one of my favorite things to do when I'm down or discouraged is to listen to uplifting music. During our fertility struggles, music has been one huge blessing to me!

Today I'm sharing my favorite songs that have helped me get through the most difficult days. I have found that it's better to listen to hopeful songs instead of songs that sound depressing and make me want to dwell on my hurts.

I'm going to provide a link to a You Tube video for each song. I'm not a huge fan of videos that show cheesy pictures along with the lyrics to the song, but in some cases, that's all I could find. So if you're like me, just close your eyes and let the words speak to you so you don't have to look at the cheesy pictures ;-)

Anyway, here are the songs:

1. Blessings by Laura Story

2. While I'm Waiting by John Waller

3. Your Hands by JJ Heller

4. Praise You in this Storm by Casting Crowns

5. Time in Between by Francesca Battistelli

6. I Need You by The Swift

7. If You Want Me To by Ginny Owen

8. When the Rain Comes by Third Day

9. You Are Good by Nichole Nordeman

10. How He Loves by David Crowder Band

11. Held by Natalie Grant

These are my go-to songs when I start feeling depressed or upset. They have been such a blessing to me and a reminder that God has a plan, and that plan (more specifically the timing of that plan) is perfect.

Even though this playlist was made by someone struggling with fertility issues, I think the songs could be an encouragement to anyone going through any type of trial. My prayer is that they bless and speak to someone today!

Our Story

{I originally posted this in September, but am linking it up to Kelly's blog.  It is my infertility story.  I currently have an infertility prayer chain going, so email me if you would like to be a part of it: mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com }

I guess it is unofficially infertility awareness week here at Something Beautiful (gosh it feels weird to say that instead of Called to Serve!) But today I thought I'd share a few more of the specifics of our story, and also a little bit more about my new blog name. I apologize that this is probably the longest post I've ever written, but I just couldn't cut our story back any more.

When Luke and I got married, I pretty much immediately felt ready for a baby. I tried not to bug Luke about it too much, but I was ready, and I was ready NOW.

Almost two years into our marriage, in June of 2010, Luke finally uttered those words that I had been waiting so long to hear: he was ready to start our family!

It was such an exciting time at first! I found myself immediately drawn to the baby section in any store we were in. I started mentally making plans for turning our office into a nursery. As friends announced their pregnancies I became excited, knowing our children would be the same age, in the same Sunday school class, etc. I made a huge list of all my favorite names, and extensively researched the meaning and history of each one. I found myself trying not to hope for a girl, but I couldn't help it. I even found myself trying not to hope for twins, but I couldn't help that either. I made up grand schemes about how I would reveal to Luke that I was pregnant, and even grander schemes about how we would tell our families, who had no idea we were trying. I pictured myself pregnant at Christmas, wondering what kinds of cute maternity outfits I would buy. I even wondered who was going to baby-sit on the day of my sister's wedding the following summer.

Did I jump the gun a bit? Obviously. But when you've been waiting two years to begin trying, you never think about the fact that you're not going to get pregnant right away.

My excitement didn't last for long. I had begun, as any other woman who is anxious for a child would, to chart my cycles. My alarm went off at 6 every morning, and I had to take my temperature with my special basal body thermometer before my feet ever hit the floor. In addition to that, I bought ovulation predictor kits and used those.

Day after day went by and nothing was happening. Week after week, and no change in temperature, no positive OPKs. Month after month, and not even a blip on the ovulation radar. Something was not right.

We had only been trying for three months when I first went to see a doctor. She was actually a nurse practitioner, and I liked her a lot. She put me on Progesterone to see if that would do anything. (Don't even get me started on how badly the Progesterone messed with me and my system!) I was due back for a follow-up visit in a month, but I would have to see a different doctor since the nurse practitioner wasn't allowed to prescribe certain medications.

My next visit with the new doctor was one of the worse experiences of my life. I wish I were exaggerating. I have never seen anyone with such a horrible bedside manner. She all but rolled her eyes at me in exasperation that I would waste her time with something so trivial. She told me I had nothing to worry about because it had only been a few months. She actually laughed when she asked me how old I was (25 at the time). "You've got plenty of time, honey." She might as well have slapped me across the face. She basically told me there was nothing she could do until we'd been trying for a year, and not to let the door hit me on the way out.

I cried the entire 45-minute drive home and most of the night after that. I was going through something that was shaking my entire world, and that doctor totally trivialized every hurt and fear that I was going through. I posted about it here, but obviously didn't say that I was seeing the doctor for fertility issues when I wrote it. Anyway, that night I vowed I would never set foot in that practice again. And to this day, I stand by that decision. No one should be made to feel that way.

After the doctor's appointment came the waiting stage. I knew I was stuck waiting until I hit that magic 1-year mark. More and more of my friends started announcing pregnancies and I wanted so badly to be happy for them, but I just couldn't. Jealousy took over which turned into guilt for feeling jealous. What a disgusting cycle.

Things changed right around the 8 or 9 month mark, because friends who had announced their pregnancies around the time we had started trying were now going into labor and having their babies. I couldn't escape the fact that I felt like I should have been with them. It still blows my mind that I could have a 6-month-old baby, and yet I'm not even pregnant. But anyway, as baby after baby was being born, I became extremely proactive about finding a doctor who would help me, even though we hadn't been trying for a whole year yet.

I looked for a new doctor and prayed that God would lead me to the perfect one. And He did not let me down. I went to a different practice with a new doctor who was the complete opposite of the other doctor I had seen. She was kind and compassionate and took time to explain everything to me. And she always asked for my opinion, and how I wanted to handle things first. I still feel extremely blessed to have found this doctor, and hopefully she will be the one who delivers my babies someday! But anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.

This doctor immediately put me on Clomid (a medication that induces ovulation), even though we had only been trying for 8 months. Honestly, the day she wrote that prescription I thought all of our problems were over. I thought those little pills were the answer. And I hope no one judges me for taking those pills. Yes, there are some side effects that I was not happy about and that might cause some people to be morally opposed to the pill. But I was desperate.

I went on Clomid in March, feeling so hopeful about the whole thing! Little did I know that I was in for a world of pain. I used OPKs religiously during that month, and still, nothing. Every test was negative, and as day after day went by, I felt my hope slipping through my fingers.

I will never forget the lowest day of the whole journey, and probably of my life. It was around day 21 of my cycle and I finally accepted the fact that the Clomid was not doing what it was supposed to do, and the problem was more serious than I had realized. I have never felt such pain in my life because the question I had been asking myself changed that day. Instead of asking, "Will I get pregnant soon?" I had to ask myself, "Will I get pregnant ever?"

I finally realized I had to let go of this. God's timing is perfect, and if I wasn't pregnant yet, there was a reason. It was around this time that I surrendered my lifelong dream of becoming a stay-at-home mom, and started thinking about going back to school. I knew that our future would involve either infertility treatment (something our insurance does not cover) or adoption, and neither of those things were going to be cheap.

The doctor put me through two more rounds of Clomid, increasing the dosage each time until she reached the maximum dosage that can be safely given. I had to drive to the office a few times each month to have my blood drawn to test the hormones to see if I had ovulated or not. I felt like a human pincushion, and had a permanent bruise on the inside of my arm from April - June. But the blood tests were such a blessing, because it meant I could forget about taking my temperature every morning or using ovulation predictor kits. It was sort of freeing.

It was confirmed that even on the high dosages of Clomid, nothing was happening. I got a call during my first week of summer vacation this year from the nurse at my doctor's office telling me that there was nothing else they could do, and that they would refer me to a fertility specialist. Since our insurance didn't cover that, and since I was going back to school in the fall, I told her we were just going to call it quits for awhile. I guess we are taking the Michelle Duggar approach now, and just saying that if God wants to bless us with a child, He will. We're not obsessively trying to make that happen anymore, but we're certainly not trying to prevent it either.

The past 15 months have been such a roller coaster of emotions. But I have learned so much. I thought that a baby was the only thing that would make me happy, and make my life complete. But now I realize that a baby comes with its own set of problems. God is making me go through this for a reason, and I know He has an amazing plan that I can only see part of right now. I was trying to fill my God-shaped hole with a baby, and that just wouldn't have worked. I thought a baby was the "something beautiful" that I was waiting for. But now I see that God is my "something beautiful." So that's what my blog name represents: God can turn my life into something beautiful through His presence. It may not even look anything remotely like what I had pictured, planned, and hoped for myself, but it is a breathtaking masterpiece nonetheless.

Infertility Support Group

Yesterday I opened up about our 15-month struggle with infertility, and today I'm going to share some of the new plans for this blog as an infertility support group. I'm so excited!

First of all, if you've been reading my blog for a long time and you're afraid I'm only going to write about infertility, please don't give up on me. I still plan to blog about my everyday life, marriage, cooking, and my other homemaking endeavors. This week it's all about infertility, but next week I will go back to regularly scheduled programming :-)

However, there are three things that will be happening on the blog, or at least as a result of the blog:

#1: I will be posting about infertility. Not all the time, but probably around once a week or so. My goal is to be positive and to provide encouragement to others going through this. I used to go to the message boards at The Bump, thinking that it would make me feel better to find people to relate to. However, I would always end up feeling worse because of all the negativity. That is what I want to try to avoid here. I don't want it to be a pity party, but rather a place to come when we need lifted up!

That being said, I am opening my blog up to guest posters. If you have a story or some encouragement you'd like to share, email me at mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com and let me know! Guest posting anonymously is obviously an option since this is such a tricky subject that you might not want anyone to know about.

#2: I am going to start a weekly infertility prayer chain email. This way, anyone going through infertility can be added to the list which will be sent out every Monday. We'll obviously only use first names, or even initials if you aren't comfortable with names. And even if you're not going through infertility yourself but you feel God tugging at your heart, you can be added to the send list so you can pray for these ladies and their husbands. If you wold like to be added to the prayer list, email me at mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com and let me know. And if you just want to be a prayer warrior even if you aren't personally going through infertility, leave a comment or email and I'll put you on the send list.

I am so excited to see what God does through this! Prayer is the most powerful weapon the Lord has given us, and I can't wait to start adding praises to the list when they start rolling in!!

#3: I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to do this yet, but I would like to start some kind of message board where we can post anything and everything about our struggles with infertility. It feels so good just to know that we are not alone in our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. I'm still working on finding a message board hosting sight and setting this up, so it may be a few weeks before I get all the kinks worked out. But I will be sure and let you know when it's ready!

So that's the plan. I am so excited about it, and my prayer is that God will bring healing in these tough situations!

So don't forget to email me if you are interested in guest posting about infertility, or if you want to be added to the prayer list! Also, leave a comment if you want to be a prayer warrior even if you're not personally going through infertility right now.