Who am I?

Today has been a very lazy Saturday. I spent the day cleaning the house, doing laundry, and watching TV for hours. Somewhere during all that excitement (ha), I sat down to read this month's issue of "Real Simple." I was reading an article when I came across something that really hit me:

"...then you hit the age of 25 and you realize that your days are numbered, so to speak. You begin to understand that time is no longer infinitely elastic, and that while you spend hours attending to one priority, you are stealing those same hours from another. And why did nobody warn you that you would be spending 30 percent of your time on things that are really tedious or difficult, like trying to find a rental apartment you can afford and a nice boy whom you can marry and stay married to forever? This is a terrible time of life, the mid-20s, because you still don't know what real adulthood looks like. And since you probably don't have children yet, you can devote entire afternoons to questions like, "Who am I?" which rarely lead you down a pretty path..." (by Kristin Van Ogtrop in her article "Can I Call You Back in 15 Years?")

Well, I am 25 years old now. I don't have kids yet, and I do spend a large chunk of my time wondering "Who am I?" I hate to say that the mid-twenties are a "terrible time," but sometimes they are! I'm struggling with this phase of my life today.

I hate that I don't feel super young anymore. I physically can't stay awake past 11 or midnight anymore because I'm just too tired from waking up before 6 and spending seven hours a day with 300 elementary school-aged children. Even though pink is my favorite color, I feel like a weirdo wearing it at 25 :-P I miss watching shows like "The Hills" and feeling like I could relate to them. And I really miss being able to eat whatever I want and not gain a pound :-P I miss being a lot more carefree, ultimately!

While I'm not young anymore, I'm definitely not old yet, either. I don't have children yet, we don't technically have a home of our own yet, I still feel young and stupid with not much experience. It probably doesn't help, either, that although I'm 25, I look 18 (on a good day). People still treat me like I'm young and stupid, too :-P

I guess I'm complaining a lot, but I just feel like I'm at an awkward place in life right now that is scary and uncomfortable. 25 is not as bad as 13, but much worse than 22 or 23. Maybe I'm just having an identity crisis right now. Because I DO spend entire afternoons asking questions like "Who am I?" I am restless. I am not sure where God is leading me in my life, but He sure is testing my patience!

I'll break it down a little bit for you: I have been out of college for three years. I am currently working as a special education aide. While my job is good for me now, it is certainly not something I plan on doing forever. I don't know if I'll ever get an actual teaching job. I don't know if I will go back for my masters in something other than education. I don't know if I'll go back for my masters at all. See? Who am I? What purpose am I supposed to serve here?

Luke and I have been married for almost two years now, so I guess you can say that we are nearing the end of our "newlywed" stage. I can feel us settling into a pattern full of day-to-day routines between us. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE our life, and I LOVE being married to him. But yes, life is becoming a little less spontaneous and a little more routine. Because we are getting old, I guess :-P

Really, if money were not an issue, I know exactly what we would do. We would have babies, and I would stay home to raise them and take care of them and possibly home-school them, too. That is exactly what I want to do, and feel called to do. HOWEVER, money is always an issue. So what in the world am I supposed to do until the point when this dream will happen? Or maybe this dream is never going to happen...maybe God has something completely different planned for me. My mind just starts racing and panic sets in when I try to figure it all out. I guess maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I'm just supposed to let life happen, and do my best to follow God's will. I really thought all this identity crisis stuff was finished after my senior year in high school when I finally picked a college and a major. Boy, was I wrong!

Anyway, the mid-twenties have brought lots of anxiety and restlessness. I am not really a newlywed, I am in a temporary job until I figure things out, and I am not ready to have a baby yet and start the next stage of life. Things are bound to settle into a pattern I guess, while I sit here and wait for the next step. Waiting has never been easy for me. Is it ever really easy for anyone?

After I read that article from my magazine today, I just felt a little bit hopeless and frustrated. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of wondering what move I am supposed to make next. I just want to move on. While I was thinking about these things, I remembered a song our pastor played last week during church. It was "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. I think it's on the fireproof soundtrack. But anyway, I listened to the song again and it helped me see things a little bit clearer. I may not be completely content with where I am in my life right now, but if I serve God while I'm waiting for that next chapter, He will lead me and bless me.

While I'm Waiting ~ John Waller

I'm Waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful, I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait.

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve you
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting, I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful, I'm waiting on You, Lord
Thought it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait.

I will serve you while I'm waiting,
I will worship while I'm waiting on You , Lord