Waiting

I would have never imagined that the last few weeks of waiting for Scarlett would feel like this.

It actually feels somewhat similar to the last few weeks before my wedding, and the timing is even pretty similar -- I got married on July 12, and Scarlett is due July 22, 5 years later.

There is one huge difference though: I had 18 months to plan my wedding, and we planned and scheduled the heck out of every little detail.  Weeks beforehand, I knew exactly what to expect.  The weather was a the only wild card on that day.

And with Scarlett's arrival?  We can't plan much of anything, because there are way too many unpredictable aspects.  She could come today (but hopefully not!), or she could come 6 weeks from today at the absolute latest.  She could come naturally, or via c-section.  It could be a quick labor and delivery, or it could last for days.  I can't even let myself think about it without nearly having a panic attack.  I'm a planner, and I do NOT do well with the unknown!

The past week has also been a huge change, because I finished my last class of the summer a week ago.  I went from being so busy and having so many deadlines to meet, to basically having nothing.  Classes are finished, we have almost everything we need for Scarlett, baby showers are over, nursery is done besides hanging the curtains...we have a few things left on the "to-do" list, but the bulk of it is really taken care of.

Add to this the fact that Luke is working about 50-60 hours a week between his two jobs, and I find myself sitting here, twiddling my thumbs, and wondering what to do with myself.

"You won't be bored anymore once the baby is here,"  my mom reminded me last night.  And while that is true, I still don't want to wish for an early arrival!  For some reason or another, everyone (including myself) seems to have a feeling that Scarlett is going to arrive early.  At first, that's what I thought I wanted.  But now I've totally changed my mind.  To be completely honest, I'm just a little bit scared.  I'm scared of having a little life to take care of, and I'm really afraid of how things are going to change.  Also, I was born two weeks early, and only weighed 5 lbs, 3 oz, and my weight even dipped below 5 lbs before leaving the hospital. So I am scared that Scarlett is a tiny little peanut as well.  I'm scared that she'll be too tiny if she's born too early, and I'm scared she'll have to be in the NICU.  So my "goal" is to have her no earlier than 38 or 39 weeks.  Not that I can control it, but it makes me feel better to think I still have at least 3-4 more weeks.

I also wasn't prepared for how emotional I'd be.  My body feels like nothing more than a mess of hormones right now.  I could not be more excited for this baby to be here, and I mean that with my whole heart.  I feel like I love her more than life already.  And yet there's this tiny, bittersweet melancholy there too.  Simply because this chapter of my life that I've waited so long to be over, is actually ending.  Luke and I will be in charge of raising a human now, and I'm pretty sure that means life will change in just about every way.  And this is going to sound so ridiculous, but I'm afraid my cats are going to think we abandoned them!  I wish I could tell you I hadn't felt guilty and cried a little bit over that.  (I know.  It has to be the hormones, because why would someone feel guilty about that?!)

I do remember feeling these same feelings in the weeks before I got married.  I was moving away from my parents' home, and in with Luke. It was more than just that, though.  I was basically leaving them, and uniting with Luke.  I remember being so excited to do that! ...but at the same time, a little sad that a big chapter of my life was ending.

And since then, marriage has been amazing!  I have obviously never looked back and thought, "I wish I was still young and single and living with my parents!"  But at the time it felt like I was letting go of something, but gaining something better.  And while I was so excited for the new, better thing, I was still a little sad to see the other thing go.  And I guess that's kind of how I feel right now in these last few weeks before Scarlett gets here.

Am I making any sense at all?

When my mom was pregnant with me, I decided to surprise her in the middle of the night, and sent her into labor 2 weeks early.  My parents still had 1 birthing class left, and they had yet to tour the hospital.  I remember my mom telling me that as the contractions were coming and as they were headed to the hospital, she just kept saying, "Wait, wait, I'm not ready for this! I can't do this yet!"  That's kind of how I feel right now.

I cannot even imagine what I'm going to be like in the last weeks before Scarlett's first sibling is born!  If I'm feeling guilty about how the cats are going to react now, I'm really going to feel guilty for turning Scarlett's world upside-down with a sibling!  Oh my, maybe she will be an only child!  (Kidding...)

All of these feelings are of course overshadowed by the wonderful joy, anticipation, and excitement I am feeling about her arrival!  I can't wait to hold her, and I'm constantly wondering who she will look like.  Will she have hair like newborn Luke, or will she be bald like I was?  Will she have a calm temperament, or will she keep us up all night, crying?  I can't wait to find out, and to get to know her little personality.  And that's the main thing I'm feeling these days.

However, all of these conflicting emotions, worries, excitements, and HORMONES are too much for one body to handle.  So I find myself crying probably 30% of the day when I'm alone, (including the entire time it took me to write this post).  Not out of sadness, just out of sheer anxiousness, and the fact that I need a release from these hormones and emotions, or I think I'm going to EXPLODE.

So yes, if I had to sum up what these last few weeks are feeling like, that would be it.  Some of the weirdest days of my life, and yet slightly comparable to the days leading up to my wedding.

Please tell me this is normal!  I feel like such a basket case, all the time.