I can't even tell you how much I have been craving to write, write, write lately! Blog posts fill my head day in and day out, but I just never find the time to transfer them to my computer! Life has been hectic lately. But I find myself in a rare moment of quiet. I should probably spend it working on homework, but I'm going to let myself indulge in my creative outlet for a little while instead.
I've been a mother for just under 3 months now. I've learned so many things already, but one thing in particular is sticking out in my mind today...
When I was trying to get pregnant, I struggled with many feelings, but the one that sticks out the most is jealousy. I was so jealous that every pregnancy announcement would send me into an emotional breakdown. I almost lost friendships because my jealousy made it so painful to be around certain people. I was hoping that during our long waiting time, I had at least gotten a little better with this issue. I'm afraid I might be right back where I started.
Now instead of being jealous of people who have kids, I'm jealous of women who get to stay home with their kids. Being in grad school and having a newborn is hard. I spend a lot of time away from home, and when I am home, there's always some paper or report to write, an assignment to work on, or a test to study for. Lately I have been so jealous of my friends who get to stay home with none of that to worry about.
On Wednesdays, the MOPS group at my church meets. I am a part of their Facebook group, even though I have never been able to go to a single meeting. Anyway, I get green with jealousy on Wednesdays when I see all the moms posting about the fun things they did while I am stuck in Akron for 12 + hours, missing my girl like crazy. Ugh, I hate even writing that, because how immature is that? With all this practice, shouldn't I be getting better at this? I even turned off the group notifications, but is that really solving the problem? Or just avoiding it?
And then there's the whole nursing thing. I've written briefly about how it has not been easy for me. Things are better now, but I still have times when Scarlett screams for 5 minutes before latching on. And we've had to supplement with formula a lot since she hasn't been gaining weight like she should. For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure, and I'm so jealous of my friends who seem to do it so easily, or who don't have to supplement. I get mad at God, because I have enough to worry about. Why can't he just give me a break on this one little thing?
And don't even get me started on my friends who shrunk down to their pre-pregnancy size just a few weeks after giving birth. I'm still much heavier than I want to be, and still look like I'm about 5 or 6 months pregnant. Even though I barely find time to eat (although, I guess my Starbucks addiction probably isn't helping me lose weight at all!)
Okay, this post is starting to sound like a complain-fest, and I guess I got carried away a bit. But the point is, UGH, I just wish I could do better! I told myself years ago that having a baby wouldn't solve my problems, but somehow I didn't totally believe it until now. I feel incredibly blessed, and more love than I ever thought possible. But the added stress of having a baby during year 2 of grad school has certainly accentuated my flaws instead of decreasing them.
So what is the solution to all of this? I think it's gratitude. If I'm busy being thankful for what I have, I won't have time to focus on what others have. Oh my goodness, I sound like a broken record! How many times have I written these words?!
I am so incredibly blessed!!!! When I really look at what God has blessed me with, I realize that I have nothing to complain about whatsoever! It's all about perspective.
With Thanksgiving coming up, I have decided to keep a gratitude journal. I remember after I read "One Thousand Gifts" and started keeping track of all my blessings, it completely changed my perspective, and my life! I just need to get back in the habit of focusing on the blessings.
This was kind of a "stream of consciousness" post, but sometimes I have to write in order to sort out my own thoughts. Hopefully this helped someone out there to change their perspective too!