A Lesson I'm Still Learning

I can't even tell you how much I have been craving to write, write, write lately!  Blog posts fill my head day in and day out, but I just never find the time to transfer them to my computer!  Life has been hectic lately.  But I find myself in a rare moment of quiet.  I should probably spend it working on homework, but I'm going to let myself indulge in my creative outlet for a little while instead.

I've been a mother for just under 3 months now.  I've learned so many things already, but one thing in particular is sticking out in my mind today...

When I was trying to get pregnant, I struggled with many feelings, but the one that sticks out the most is jealousy.  I was so jealous that every pregnancy announcement would send me into an emotional breakdown.  I almost lost friendships because my jealousy made it so painful to be around certain people.  I was hoping that during our long waiting time, I had at least gotten a little better with this issue.  I'm afraid I might be right back where I started.

Now instead of being jealous of people who have kids, I'm jealous of women who get to stay home with their kids.  Being in grad school and having a newborn is hard.  I spend a lot of time away from home, and when I am home, there's always some paper or report to write, an assignment to work on, or a test to study for.  Lately I have been so jealous of my friends who get to stay home with none of that to worry about.

On Wednesdays, the MOPS group at my church meets.  I am a part of their Facebook group, even though I have never been able to go to a single meeting.  Anyway, I get green with jealousy on Wednesdays when I see all the moms posting about the fun things they did while I am stuck in Akron for 12 + hours, missing my girl like crazy.  Ugh, I hate even writing that, because how immature is that?  With all this practice, shouldn't I be getting better at this?  I even turned off the group notifications, but is that really solving the problem?  Or just avoiding it?

And then there's the whole nursing thing.  I've written briefly about how it has not been easy for me.  Things are better now, but I still have times when Scarlett screams for 5 minutes before latching on.  And we've had to supplement with formula a lot since she hasn't been gaining weight like she should.  For some reason, that makes me feel like a failure, and I'm so jealous of my friends who seem to do it so easily, or who don't have to supplement.  I get mad at God, because I have enough to worry about.  Why can't he just give me a break on this one little thing?

And don't even get me started on my friends who shrunk down to their pre-pregnancy size just a few weeks after giving birth. I'm still much heavier than I want to be, and still look like I'm about 5 or 6 months pregnant.  Even though I barely find time to eat (although, I guess my Starbucks addiction probably isn't helping me lose weight at all!)

Okay, this post is starting to sound like a complain-fest, and I guess I got carried away a bit.  But the point is, UGH, I just wish I could do better!  I told myself years ago that having a baby wouldn't solve my problems, but somehow I didn't totally believe it until now.  I feel incredibly blessed, and more love than I ever thought possible.  But the added stress of having a baby during year 2 of grad school has certainly accentuated my flaws instead of decreasing them.

So what is the solution to all of this?  I think it's gratitude.  If I'm busy being thankful for what I have, I won't have time to focus on what others have.  Oh my goodness, I sound like a broken record!  How many times have I written these words?!

I am so incredibly blessed!!!!  When I really look at what God has blessed me with, I realize that I have nothing to complain about whatsoever!  It's all about perspective.

With Thanksgiving coming up, I have decided to keep a gratitude journal.  I remember after I read "One Thousand Gifts" and started keeping track of all my blessings, it completely changed my perspective, and my life!  I just need to get back in the habit of focusing on the blessings.

This was kind of a "stream of consciousness" post, but sometimes I have to write in order to sort out my own thoughts.  Hopefully this helped someone out there to change their perspective too!

Fall Thrift Shop Haul

Luke, Scarlett, and I had our first big night out as a family on Saturday night.  We've gone out a lot of times since Scarlett has been born, but it's not usually just the three of us, and usually not for an entire evening.

We ended up going to Once Upon A Child to buy some more fall clothes for Scarlett, and then out to a late dinner at Red Robin.  Scarlett was so well-behaved the whole time!  She was completely fine, besides a little fussiness for a few minutes on the way home before she fell asleep.  I was worried she'd be totally over-stimulated or bothered by the noise in Red Robin.  But she loved it!  She seems to really enjoy being in new surroundings and having novel things to look at.  Here she is taking it all in while Daddy was holding her:

So anyway, we had a fun night.  But the best part was the great clothes we scored at Once Upon a Child!  All Carters, for just under $20 total!

I thought this would be cute for fall or Christmas (although hopefully she is no longer in newborn clothes by Christmastime!)

Luke found this.  We think it's for boys, but it's Ohio State colors, so, score!  We'll put a bow in her hair and it will all work out.  

This is a bit wrinkled, but I think it's adorable!  It's pretty long, so I thought with leggings or jeggings it would be perfect for fall.  Can I please have one of these in my size?

This vest is my favorite find of the day.  I love the heart pockets!

And she is going to look so sweet and girly in this pale, pink, ruffly sweater.

And a new pair of jeans!  This is what she really needed.  It annoys me to no end that baby clothes come in sets with a couple of onesies and a pair of pants, all in crazy colors and patterns.  They must do it on purpose so you can only wear the pants with the onesies you bought it with, and you end up buying more clothes overall.  Am I making sense?  Anyway, I just really wanted some neutral pants and jeans that Scarlett could wear with anything.  Aren't these adorable?  I was excited to find them.  I found some other jeans and white and gray pants on Friday when I was shopping with my mom, so she should be good for awhile!  I feel a little bit like I outsmarted the system.

So anyway, that was that.  How boring is my life that I blog about the cheap clothes I bought Scarlett over the weekend?  I can't help it, baby clothes are quickly becoming my favorite thing ever.  I wish I dressed half as well as my girl:

Blessed

I thought having an infant was tough.  And then I went back to grad school and realized what "tough" really is.  I knew it was going to be hard, but I had no idea exactly how hard.  Kind of like labor...

Anyway, I spent the first 3 weeks of class in a state which I can only describe as depressed.  And I don't use that term lightly.  Having a baby and dealing with the hormonal changes was hard enough.  But then less than two weeks after Scarlett's birth, I lost my Grandma.  My emotions have been crazy from all of that, but going back to school is what kind of pushed me over the edge.  It is so hard being away from my baby so much.  But even harder than that is the fact that when I am with her, I have so much homework and lesson planning to do.  And in those rare moments that I get to spend totally devoted to her, I end up feeling guilty, depressed, and mostly STRESSED OUT about school stuff.  I was really having a hard time turning the stress off.  I kept praying and praying, but wasn't feeling God's presence.  It was a tough few weeks.

Then sometime toward the end of last week, I was in the grad room working on some homework.  I caught a glimpse of myself in my iPad screen wearing scrubs after clinicals that morning and sipping on my iced caramel machiatto (Oh caffeine, you are my best friend these days!)  

In that moment, I was able to see myself as an outsider looking in.  I pictured the 2-years-ago me, and wondered what it would be like if I could have looked into the future and taken a peek at today-me.  In that moment I realized I now have everything I used to wish and pray for.  I got into grad school, and am less than 1 year from graduating.  And I also have the thing I've always wanted:  a daughter.  

If I could have seen back then that I was just 2 years away from having everything I was dreaming
about, I would have been ecstatic!

And no, I didn't bargain on getting it all at once.  That has certainly complicated things a bit.  But who am I to be depressed about so many blessings, all at once?!

Taking a step back and changing my perspective has also changed my attitude.  Do I still have my moments?  OH YES.  My poor husband has had to put up with some really crappy attitudes and moods from my lately.  But the main thing is, something changed this weekend.  I gave up all my stress to the Lord, which has changed everything.  And I no longer feel hopeless and depressed.  

This verse has been on my mind a lot lately: "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Fear is the main problem with my life right now: fear that I won't do well in school, that I'm permanently messing up my daughter by being gone so much, and especially that I'm wasting all my time that I'm not at school being depressed and stressed.

God convinced me that I am SO BLESSED! And that I need to trade my fear for the power, love, and self-discipline he is offering me.

I cannot tell you how much this realization has changed EVERYTHING. Is it going to stop being hard? No, but the most difficult times often yield the greatest blessings!

Case in point?  This beautiful little girl:

Two Months Old!

Dear Scarlett,

You are two months old today!  I can't believe how much you've grown!  

You weigh around 8 pounds now.  And while that's about the size of the average newborn, we are so happy with how much you've grown!  On your 1 month "birthday," you weighed 5 lbs, 13 oz.  Your growing has seemed to finally take off since then.  You are now in newborn-sized onesies, and some newborn pants.  Preemie pants still fit better in the waist, but you have such long legs, they have all turned into capris!  Grandma Judy has had to take some of your pants in because your bum and legs are so skinny.  You are lucky to have your own personal tailor at such a young age.

You have become so interactive in the past month.  Around 5 weeks old you gave us your first real, social smile.  About a week after that, you started cooing.  You love to lay on your changing table and just smile and "talk" away while Daddy or Mommy are changing your diaper or clothes.   

In the past month you've become a typical girl, and have had many mood swings.  You are a bit fussier than you were a month ago.  Sometimes you will be screaming like crazy, and out of nowhere, you'll take a deep breath, stop crying, and break out in a sweet smile.  Or vice versa!  It always cracks us up.  You are a bit like your mommy with the mood swings, I guess. 

You are such an alert and animated baby!  You make so many sweet and funny faces.  You have started giving us this little pouty, frowny face right before you start to cry.  It looks so pathetic and adorable, we just can't help but laugh!  I'm on a mission to get that face in a picture. 

One of our favorite things you do is what we call the "fake-out sneeze."  You will sneeze twice in a row, and the third time, a sneeze doesn't come out, but you make this loud sigh instead of the sneeze.  We laugh every time, and now you have begun to expect a laugh every time you sneeze!  You smile and wait for us to laugh afterwards.

You are the best sleeper!  You usually sleep a stretch of about 5-6 hours a night.  Mommy loves not having to wake up a bunch during the night anymore!  Although I do miss the extra snuggle time.

Mommy went back to school this month, and it was so hard!  I miss you so much every day.  But I'm doing it all for you, so hopefully we will be able to move out into a house in the country with a lot of land where you will grow up and have everything you need!  I think the transition back to school has been much harder on Mommy than on you, because you get to spend 2 days a week with Nana (and sometimes Papa and Aunt Di), and 2 days a week with Grandma (and sometimes Grandpa).  They spoil you, and give you all the attention in the world.  We couldn't ask for better "baby-sitters."

You got to experience lots of new things this month.  You went on lots of shopping trips with Mommy, spent lots of time with your grandparents and aunts, went on lots of walks with mommy, "watched" football with Daddy, and had your first trip to the Canfield Fair!  As exciting as last month was, Mommy cannot wait for you to experience your first fall and Christmas seasons!  The best time of year is coming up, and I know you will love it!

Here is what you looked like during your second month: 

Somehow you get cuter and cuter everyday.  Mommy and Daddy can barely handle it!

We are amazed daily by the amount of love we feel for you.  

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Scarlett's Newborn Pictures

About a week ago, my good friend Rachel took some newborn pictures of Scarlett.  She is very talented, and they turned out beautifully!  She took them in my Grandpa's garden.  I thought I'd just share a few of my favorites today:

I love those baby blues!

I can't wait to get a few of these framed!  It's so hard to choose, so I might just have a whole wall covered with Scarlett's pictures.  Thanks, Rachel!  We are lucky to have a talented photographer friend like you!

Canfield Fair 2013

Well I am almost two weeks into the new semester, and let's just say it is not going well.  I've never been so stressed out in my life, and the little time I get with Scarlett I spend feeling depressed and guilty.  I wish I had taken another semester off.  So basically, I guess I could use some prayers.

...But let's move on from that depressing topic!  At least last weekend I was able to relax and have a little bit of fun.  On Saturday night we went to The Canfield Fair with Luke's family.  A good way to say "goodbye" to summer.

Scarlett slept through most of the fair:

...But woke up toward the end and was so alert and happy!  She's a country girl at heart...

Admittedly, these are less "pictures of the fair," and more, "pictures of Scarlett"...

...With Nana

...and Papa

...And smiling at Aunt moey

In addition to just playing with Scarlett, we also did enjoy some fair food, obviously.  The traditional corn dog,

 These are Luke's pulled pork nachos.  They make me want to gag, but he promises they were delicious.

We also enjoyed some fresh squeezed lemonade, and ice cream sundaes.  

Overall it was a fun night!  I can't wait until next year when Scarlett is a little older, and will obviously be more aware.  We are definitely making The Canfield Fair a yearly tradition!

And just for fun, a little family picture comparison.  Here we are last time we were both at the fair in 2010:

And here we are in 2013 with an additional member! ...Although I must admit, I kind of miss looking like that ^  Ha!  I wish I had time to do things like lose weight and care what I look like these days, but ain't nobody got time for that!  Although with the new school schedule, I forget to eat most days, so maybe the pounds will start falling off soon. Luke, on the other hand, has not changed much:  Ohio State shirt: check.  Stubble: check.  Rubber wristband commemorating some random sports team: check.

Here's to hoping this weekend is equally as fun, and not nearly as stressful as this week has been!

Back to School

Tomorrow is the day I've been dreading all summer:  the day I go back to school.  It's the reason I haven't blogged in awhile: it's been clouding my thoughts all week.  Yet, I didn't really want to write a whole post about it, because my emotions were too strong.

It really hit me on Thursday night, and I spent most of Thursday and Friday in tears, clutching onto my little girl like I was never going to see her again.  I don't think I would be exaggerating in saying that this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. It would feel more natural to cut off my arm, because that feels like less a part of me than she does at this point.

Dramatic much?  Maybe, but this is really hard!  She's only 6 weeks old! Luckily I think I got most of my crying out already.  I know God is giving me a peace in this situation.  My schedule isn't horrible, and I know she will be in great hands while I'm not with her, either staying with Luke's family or mine.

I just have to keep telling myself that I am doing this to give Scarlett a better life.  To be able to move out into the country someday where she can run and play to her heart's content.  To be a role model for her as a woman who can go out into the world and help people each day to help provide for her family.  Would I much rather be a stay-at-home-mom and never have to leave her?  Yes.  But that's more for my sake than hers.  I know God has plans for me, and I want to surrender to His will!

I think that's all I'll say about the subject right now.  I really do feel a peace about the situation, and I'm excited for the semester ahead.  If I dwell on it too much, I might go back to being depressed, and I don't want that!  I'll leave with a few recent pictures of Scarlett.  Because, why not?

Trying her robe after bathtime

With Aunt Julie

I bought her this onesie for Luke for  Father's Day.  It finally fits!

This is one of my favorite outfits of hers.  She wore it for a girls day out with me and my mom last week

...And some outtakes of her crazy faces 

Speaking of faces, she has been so expressive lately with her face, she keeps us pretty entertained all the time!

Here she is in her 'jammies.  I think you can tell here that she got Daddy's height!  < 3rd percentile for weight, 51st percentile for length!  she is one long, skinny lady!  She'll be happy if that keeps up when she's older! 

Quite possibly my favorite picture of her to date:

 And last but not least, we officially have a smiler!  She's been smiling in her sleep pretty much since birth, but we got her first real, social smile about a week ago, when she was 5 weeks old.  So the past 7 days have basically been spent doing nothing but trying to make her smile!  Ignore the flower in the middle of her head.  I'm a little OCD about where I like her flowers and bows on the side of her head.

I hear the little lady waking up now, so I will sign off!  I'm not sure what posting will be like during the semester, but hopefully I'll at least muster up a post or two each week.  Happy Sunday!