I'll be honest. I was having a strangely emotional day on Thursday while driving home from school. (We were watching videos of children using their cochlear implants for the first time in my artic. & phonology class, and for some reason that makes me super emotional every time. So I'll blame it on that). Anyway, I just felt this heavy burden and a dread in my heart. And then I knew I needed to have a conversation with God. Yes, out loud. I do that when I'm in my car sometimes, and anyone driving beside me probably thinks I'm crazy. But I like out-loud prayers because they help me focus.
Anyway. I just told God that I trusted Him 100%, and I knew He had a perfect plan, and that right now all I could see were the circumstances in front of me and I just felt hopeless. I said that I totally trust Him, and want Him to have His will and not mine, but that I just couldn't stop feeling burdened that night. I prayed once again that God would take control of my life and work it out for good.
And did I magically feel perfect after that? I wish I could say I did. Sometimes in my head I know things, but my feelings just won't match up, know what I mean? I went home, I was lazy and moped around all evening, and I know I was not pleasant to be around at all. But sometimes you just have to look beyond your feelings, and know that everything will be okay.
Friday I had clinical observations all day. It was sunny and warm, and my hopeless feelings from the day before were barely even a blip on the radar. I enjoyed watching therapy sessions all day, and had fun talking with some of my classmates.
And then close to the end of the day, something happened. Another post-bac woman from my class suggested I try something else as far as school goes. I don't want to go into too many details yet until I have more of them to share, but let's just call this "Option C."
Before Friday, I only saw two options in front of me:
Option A: Get into grad school at Akron or Kent, spend the next two years nonstop studying and completing clinicals, put off the whole baby-business until at least next year when I'll be within 9 months of graduating.
Option B: Don't get into grad school. Find a job that's not in my field or try to go back to teaching, or even substitute teach. Devote all my efforts into getting healthy and getting pregnant.
If option A happens, I will be ecstatic, but a little piece of me will mourn the fact that we have to put off the whole baby thing for another year.
If option B happens, I will feel totally lost, and probably stressed out while we focus on the baby business. Stress is not helpful in this type of situation.
I keep telling myself that it isn't a lose-lose situation, but a win-win situation. either way, I will be getting something I've wanted for a really long time (well, assuming that I actually do get pregnant with option B). However, I can't help but feel a little pang of sadness when I consider either option. Not to mention, I keep wondering what the heck God is up to! I've been living the past month really feeling this way, and to be honest, I've been feeling it even the past whole year since I decided to go back to school.
And then BAM. After so much waiting, and wondering why God was making me wait, and wondering if maybe He was giving me a big "no" to both of the desires of my heart, option C appears. And it turns out, if everything works out, both of these desires might just happen, and they could happen at the same time. From where I am now, I see how absolutely perfect this whole situation will be if it pans out. It is so awesome when the puzzle pieces start coming together, and you start to see the big picture, isn't it? I'm not saying that Option C will definitely happen...it's still in the very preliminary stages at this point (so much so that I don't even feel comfortable sharing the deets on the blog). But the hope I'm feeling right now is making my heart so happy!
No matter what happens, I am trusting God with my whole heart. Whether it's option A, B, C, or something totally different that He chooses for my life, I know it will be the right thing. Again, I'm just excited to be along for the ride!
While I'm waiting for everything pan out, I've been really enjoying this song by Kelly Clarkson (The Sun Will Rise). I've basically made it my anthem for this part of my life. This may be super weird, but sometimes I try to figure out what songs would be on the soundtrack of my life. (You do that too, right? Right?) Anyway, this one would definitely be on there.
And of course God wanted to make sure I knew He was trying to get my attention, because part of the sermon this morning was about waiting. And our pastor shared Psalm 130:5-6: "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in His word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord more than watchmen wait for the morning"
He then went on to say something about the fact that no matter how dark the night is, the morning will always come. Which pretty much goes right along with my new favorite song.
It's really cool how God uses such little things to bless us, and make sure we get the message!