However, whenever you choose something for your life, you are simultaneously giving up something else.
If you've been reading this blog for any time at all, I know you know what the opportunity cost of choosing school right now is. And I'll leave it at that, because I just don't feel like typing it out today.
Last week, after I had had a whole week to celebrate my acceptance into Kent State University, the thing I was giving up (for now) really hit me. And I think I had to mourn that a little bit. I kept telling myself I was fine. But by the time Friday rolled around and I realized I had pretty much not gone anywhere all week besides work and the grocery store, I realized I was very much not fine.
So that is the reason for my absence. And my distance from my friends as well (please don't be offended if you haven't heard from me lately!)
However, I am writing today to say that at least for now, I'm past those feelings. Will they come back periodically in the next 2 years of grad school? Obviously. It is a daily choice to surrender my will, and some days that choice won't come as easily or naturally as others. But what I've learned in the past week is that the feeling will pass, and I can choose not to focus on it.
I have to mention that there seemed to be an additional dark cloud looming overhead last week, and that was Mother's Day. I was so excited to celebrate the holiday with my own mom (and mom-in-law) but a huge part of Mother's Day is a big reminder that, well, I'm not one. Last year on Mother's Day I sat in my seat at church and literally shook with sobs while they did the many, many baby dedications. I hope no one noticed. You may think I was being overly dramatic, but please don't judge unless you've been there. Anyway, it's a sort of a bittersweet holiday for me, and others who want to be moms, or who have lost theirs.
This year I kind of knew what was coming and tried to prepare myself a little more so I didn't have an emotional breakdown during church, because last year I was totally caught off guard by those emotions. I prayed that I wouldn't be dramatic about it, and that I could focus on celebrating the wonderful mother and mother-figures in my life.
I am so thankful for God's love in my life. I feel like he really orchestrated everything perfectly yesterday. First of all, we had an early Mother's Day brunch with Luke's side of the family. Since we ate so early, we decided to go to the early service at church beforehand. In the early service, there was only 1 baby dedication which was much easier than sitting through 10 or 15 of them, like in the later services (I hope that doesn't make me sound like a terrible person, but it is what it is). Church was easy and the sermon was great and I promise not one tear fell down my cheek. The depressed feelings were just gone.
After church we had a delicious brunch and played Mexican train all morning. It was so much fun, and again, I didn't even feel sorry for myself for a second. I'm sure that was God's doing and not my own.
Later we went to my parents' house and my sister and her husband were there, and we had lunch and talked and laughed for about 3 hours. It was so wonderful after my not-so-great week.
After our fun day of visiting with family, Luke and I had a bit of a date night. We went out to see The Avengers and had popcorn for dinner (if you're doing Prism with me [hi mom!], pretend you didn't just read that. I only had a little bit, and since I'm doing the program for my health problems, and not really to lose weight, I'm not following all the rules 100%. Oops)
And while we were sitting there watching the movie, I realized something. As much as I have prayed for and wanted a baby in the past 2 (or let's face it, 4) years, there are people out there who long for what I have: a hand to hold at the movie theater on a random Sunday night. One of my pet peeves is pregnant women or moms who complain about being pregnant or moms. For example, I overheard someone complaining at church yesterday that their daughter woke them up at 6 on their only day to sleep in to give them an overripe banana as breakfast in bed on Mother's Day. Do you not know what some of us would give to be in your shoes? Anyway, the same way I hate it when people take motherhood for granted, I'm sure there are people who think I take marriage for granted.
And with that realization, I decided to really enjoy the rest of the evening knowing that God has already blessed me so much with Luke in my life for the past 8 years (what?! 8!? When did we get so old?)
So that's the story of how I mourned the opportunity cost of going to grad school, and how I made it through Mother's Day much better than last year. That alone tells me that God must have had (and still has) some work to do on my heart. When I do finally become a mother, after waiting 2 + years, I know it will be the perfect time.
And in the meantime, he must have some more work to do, so I better pay attention!