Twice in the past few months, I've experienced something that I'd never really experienced in our fertility struggle: the 2 week wait.
What is the 2WW, you might ask? It's the two weeks after you ovulate when you might be pregnant, but it's too soon to take a home pregnancy test.
They could probably be renamed: "2 Weeks of Mind Games," or even "2 Weeks of Hell." But I digress.
I haven't written much about this, but ever since I've been eating right and taking whole food supplements for my adrenal gland and thyroid gland, my body has been doing what it hasn't been doing for the past 2 years: ovulating. Not quite as regularly as I should be, but ovulating nonetheless. Which is a big, giant praise!
However, it does mean that I have to deal with the 2WW now.
Let me quickly describe the 2WW: you spend it 1.) Trying not to get your hopes up, 2.)Getting your hopes up anyway, 3.)Lying awake at night playing the "am I, or am I not," game 4.)Trying to convince yourself that it's too early to take a pregnancy test, and 5.)Being hypersensitive to every little idiosyncrasy in your body. Rinse and repeat.
During my 2WW this month I had many signs of early pregnancy. The problem with that is that the signs of early pregnancy are also the signs of PMS. I blame Eve for this. I assume PMS is her fault. I kind of just lump that in with "painful childbirth." (kidding). Anyway I kept going back and forth trying to decide which it was.
Well let's just say, today I got a clear sign that it was 100% PMS. Ugh, I thought the fact that I wasn't ovulating was more difficult than if I had been ovulating every month and not getting pregnant, but now I'm thinking it might have been a bit of a blessing. Twelve 2WWs a year? Kill me now.
Anyway, I'm pretty sure yesterday goes down in history as one of the top ten worst days of my life. I have never felt depressed like that. Because I had convinced myself that I was probably pregnant, and my hopes were up.
All that to say...I was honestly really mad at God. What can I say?...it happens sometimes.
I was having a giant pity party by the time evening rolled around. And I was scheduled to help with a service project last night (some friends and I are helping to furnish and decorate a bedroom for a Christian home for women who are just getting out of prison). 
I drove all the way to the house literally fighting with God in my head, pleading with him and asking him why he chose me (well, us) to go through this when everyone around me seems to be having their second or third children. I just kept thinking how unfair it all seemed, and how I would so rather be getting ready for a baby than getting ready for grad school. I'm just being honest. And all the while I was kicking myself for being so immature and ridiculous, and wishing I could stop having these thoughts, and just start happily singing along to Pandora like I do every other time I drive my car (yeah, I'm a huge car-singer).
I got to the house and walked in, trying to muster up a good attitude. To get upstairs to the bedroom we were working on, I had to walk past the living room. I stopped in my tracks as I read these words on the living room wall:
(sorry for the poor quality. It says "Sing Sing Sing - The Lord's not done yet...")
I had looked at those words on that wall before, but I hadn't really seen them before. It just made my heart stop and brought tears to my eyes because I felt like God let me see those words at the perfect moment. I had just been struggling in the car over whether I should be happy and sing, or just dwell in my selfishness and foolishness and be mad at God. And then the writing was literally on the wall: God wants us to let go, be joyful enough to sing, and know that He's not done yet!
Yesterday I felt like my world was falling apart. But God was telling me it's all just part of His plan -- the plan that's just beginning. He's going to use every hurt and every tear for something greater. If my pain can help even one person, then it's all worth it! And that is the whole reason I've been so open about this on my blog today.
I know I was being dramatic and selfish yesterday, but I'm so happy God speaks to us in many different ways. I know that wall decal was placed there to minister to the women who will be staying in this special house. However, it really blessed me yesterday, and helped me remember that God is up to something. I just have to let go again, and let Him do His thing.
I feel like I've written a lot of posts that sound a lot like this one -- sometimes I think we just have to learn the same lesson multiple times.
Thank you for being so open and sharing this! Even though I've never had this specific struggle (uhh cause I'm not married yet!), the feelings for other struggles are typically similar. And God always redeems!
ReplyDeleteJessica, my prayers are with you. I am so happy your body is starting to get things in motion, but I also know the pain that can cause. I am praying you will continue to experience His peace.
ReplyDeleteIt is the worst when your body is having symptoms you've never had before and you're convinced you are pregnant, only to find out you're not. So glad God gave you some encouragement - it was encouraging to me too.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you are having to go through this - I hope that these little milestones bring some comfort and encouragement to you, even if it's just that God hasn't "forgotten" about the struggles that you're going through. The service project that you're working on sounds like so much fun! I just love that quote on the wall...and don't you love how God sends little things and signs just when you need them? Just the other day I was a little down, missing my great-great aunt (who passed away, but was like a grandmother to me). When I walked out of my office that day, her favorite hymn was playing as "elevator music," and I was taken right back to a small church pew holding her hand as a child. It's the little things that bring us comfort. I hope that even in the midst of all of this, you have comfort and peace knowing that we have a loving God who always has our best interests in mind. Will pray for that for you today :)
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, Jessica. On the one hand, when trying for Wyatt I felt like it was SO HARD waiting for something that never happened - and always getting my hopes up that I was about to ovulate, and then not following through. That was really hard for me. This time my cycles regulated more (in that my cycle actually happened), but that two week wait is a killer! When you convince yourself that you just might be pregnant and then you're not again, it's just so hard. I think it's bad both ways, at least for me. But I love that you saw that sign at the exact perfect time, and how true it is - God ISN'T finished yet! You're always in my prayers, Friend.
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