I've tried to write this post about four times and it just keeps coming out whiny and all wrong.
So I'm just going to let my thoughts spill out. If you know me well in real life, you know that this is pretty much how I communicate: I just talk about whatever comes to my mind. My dad calls it my "stream of consciousness." So here you go:
I've heard and seen tons of pregnancy announcements lately. And you better believe Satan has been using them to make me feel completely isolated. He's feeding me lies like crazy. Telling me that God forgot about me. That He just doesn't want me to be happy, and that my infertility is a punishment because of some unknown yet unforgivable thing I've done in my past(look in the Old Testament and see how God often punished women...I'm sure you can see how Satan uses that to plant major paranoia and fear in me).
I can recognize the lies for what they are. However, they cross my mind multiple times a day, and it's gotten worse with the pregnancy announcements.
Sometimes I want to lock myself in my bedroom and close my eyes and cover my ears so I can't hear about anymore pregnancies until I have my own to announce. So many friends are "ahead of me" in life. And not just a bit ahead of me, but they've lapped me twice because most are expecting their second child (or third).
The thing is, my hands and arms feel so empty. I just know they were made to rock a newborn; to change diapers; to give baby baths; to wipe tears away; to give big bear hugs.
Today Satan wants my arms to be empty. He wants me to be so focused on the emptiness and pain that I miss one really important fact:
My arms were made for more than just baby-holding.
Maybe the reason they're empty right now is because God needs to fill them with something else. Maybe He wants me to take the comfort He has given me in the past 19 months, and use my empty hands to comfort and bless others.
I need to fill them with something:
- A broom or paintbrush to turn my house into a haven for my little family and those we invite into our home.
- A cookie sheet, baking up a blessing for someone who's lonely
- Things that I can give away to someone in need
- A textbook, getting ready for the future God has for me
- Hands folded in prayer for others who are going through this ugly infertility or other bad situations
- Etc. The possibilities are endless.
And there is the revelation. My verbal spillage always seems to result in a treasure.
I knew there was a reason 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 showed up in a sermon and in the book I was reading on Sunday:
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God."
Maybe sometimes we have to go through pain in order to feel God's comfort and pass it on to others.
And just like that, you have been brought through the crazy maze that is my thought pattern. Kudos to you if you made it this far :-)
I am off to let God fill my arms. It seems silly to let them sit idle simply because they are not filled the way I want them to be. I'm glad that He has had victory in my heart today: in a day when I really wanted to curl up and sulk.