My birthday is coming up this Sunday. I'll be 27 years old. I don't know how that happened, because I could have sworn I was just 22 yesterday.
Anyway, I think most of us would agree that birthdays are fun to look forward to no matter how old we get. And I still believe that to a degree.
When Luke and I decided we wanted to expand our family, I was 25 years old.
25 is a pretty young age to begin a family, all things considered. But when I hit my 26th birthday, we had been trying for 5 months with no luck. And I remember having this terribly panicked feeling on my birthday because I was 26 and still not pregnant.
And as a sidenote, I was in a much worse place then emotionally than I am now. I've heard people scoff at others who have only been trying for a few months who are frustrated about not being pregnant yet. But I think it's almost harder then, because at that point, you haven't learned to deal with this situation yet. When you want a baby, you want it now, so I totally feel for those of you who have only been trying for a few months. It's hard no matter how long it's been going on!
Anyway, my 26th year passed without a pregnancy. And now I'm going to be 27 without a baby, without being pregnant.
Most of the time I would say I'm in an excellent place emotionally, all things considered. Now that I have a serious goal that I'm working on (getting my SLP degree), I've been able to take my thoughts away from the obsession that comes with infertility. And I'm incredibly thankful to God that I'm going through this without the added burden of depression.
However, there are certain things that always cause me to backslide a little bit. They are:
1. Pregnancy announcements
2. Babies (sometimes) because they remind me of how bad I want one!
3. Taking a pregnancy test (I don't even want to know how many I've taken in the past 17 months. When you don't have a regular cycle anyway, you don't have the luxury of being "late" and knowing when to take a test).
4. Apparently, birthdays.
I've decided I'm not going to think about any of this stuff on my actual birthday. But just knowing that I'm about to be a year older and I'm still not pregnant freaks me out a bit. Because even though I'll be 27, unless I get pregnant in the next 3 months, I won't be a mom until I'm at least 28.
And 28 is practically 30.
And I want to have 4 kids, so is that going to be enough time?? (still holding out the hope that Luke will decide he wants 4 kids instead of 3 ;-))
And who knows how many birthdays I'll have before I get pregnant?!
I'm sure you could see how these snowballing thoughts could freak a person out. Logically, I know that I'm still very young. I did not write this post to freak anyone out who is older than me. But these are the crazy things infertility can do to your thought patterns!
So my goal for now is to stop worrying!! Birthdays are meant to be fun, not times of panic! If I've learned nothing else in the past 17 months, I've learned that you really can control your thoughts, and it is absolutely pertinent. No matter what you're going through, really.