I started a private blog about a year ago when things started getting really difficult regarding our fertility problems. I started it not only for myself - to help me deal with things, but also because I knew I planned on sharing some of these thoughts on my public blog someday.
The other day I remembered a post I had written about the movie Up, and knew I had to share it. The first part is a little depressing, but I promise it gets better :-)
"November 10, 2010I had a rough day yesterday. I recently resumed temping in the mornings after taking a break for a month for my sanity, and my BBT [basal body temperature] had been high. Even though I was sick, I got my hopes up that maybe I was pregnant. I took a test yesterday morning, and of course it was negative. I had a ROUGH day. It felt like I had a relapse into the time a few months ago, before I started coming to terms with things.
But today I keep thinking about that scene in the movie Up. The scene where they find out that Ellie can't have a baby, so they decide to travel to Paradise Falls and essentially conquer the world instead. That is how I feel today. If I can't have a baby yet, I want to conquer the world today. I want to take advantage of my freedom and do things that I couldn't do if I had a little one. [just a warning if you haven't seen it...the clip is cute but really depressing at the same time :-P]Babies will come in time. But for now, I'm happy with my sense of adventure...which is something that will probably die a little bit when I become pregnant."
Almost a year later, and I feel the exact same way! A big lesson I've learned during the past year-and-a-half is that you can't put life on hold while you wait for something. Whether it's waiting for the right guy to come along, marriage, the perfect job, or a baby, you must keep living.
My sense of adventure is something that has really blossomed in the past year-and-a-half, and I look at it as a blessing that came with this awful situation. Because of my new-found sense of adventure and the increased awareness of how much freedom I have without a baby, I've:
- Taken on more responsibility at church like when I wrote the church building project blog, worked on the campaign committee, wrote the campaign newsletters, and became one of the head library workers.
- Done things I wouldn't normally do, like in January when Luke and I spoke in front of the whole church on a Sunday morning
- Packed up and headed out to Arizona in the middle of winter, and in the middle of the school year. And those were some of the best days ever! (funny sidenote...I told Luke if we became pregnant while we were in Arizona, we were going to name our child Sedona if it was a girl. I think he was happy that didn't happen :-P)
- Stayed up late and slept in. A lot. Because I could. And I did not feel guilty about it one bit.
- Enjoyed time spent with my husband and relished in the flexibility of our schedule.
- Went to Cedar Point and rode every ride on our 3-year anniversary
- Lost weight (9 lbs to be exact!)...that wouldn't have happened if I had been pregnant!
- Quit my job to go back to school to follow a dream.
So does it stink to not be pregnant after 16 months of trying? Yes. But all the things I've gotten to do and all the places I've gotten to go have not escaped my notice. Somehow this situation has made me appreciate all the good things so much more. And it has helped me see that there are blessings every day in the freedom of not having a baby too. The last thing I want to do is wish this time away.
I'll let Pinterest deliver my final thoughts...because everything has more impact with a pretty font :-)