Anyway, as I reflect on my 26th year, God really did blow me away. On my 26th birthday, my wish was obviously for a baby. It was all I could think about at that point. And yes, we had had trouble so far getting pregnant, but I was sure I'd be pregnant by my 27th birthday! (don't worry, I'm not going to get all depressing on you again today, so don't stop reading if you're worried about that :-))
I thought maybe God was just trying to teach me a little bit of patience, but He would definitely fulfill my request at some point in the near future.
Totally clueless and arrogant, I never considered the possibility that God needed to change me - fundamentally, at the very core of my being - before I was ready to bring a baby into this world.
And I'm not saying that I'm anywhere near to the person that I have the potential of being. But let's just say God opened my eyes in the past year, and showed me that I was being arrogant. There were many areas in my life that needed a lot of work!! And some areas where I believe my heart was hardened.
Mainly, there was the area of jealousy. I had let jealousy of some of my best friends creep into my life. I really believe this gave Satan a foothold, and he worked it for all he could. I started to feel angry and closed myself off from them to the point where we could physically feel the tension and coldness every time we were together. I used every opportunity to make myself feel like the victim. I lived about 6 months of my life with very, very few close girl friends. I spent my time hanging out with Luke's guy friends, and they were fun. But God made us women to be such relational beings, and we need good girl friends! It is a very lonely place when you don't have many. And all of this was completely self-imposed!
Anyway, I was miserable. I had barricaded my heart off from these women simply because they had what I so desperately wanted. I felt that God had forgotten about me, and I was taking it out on them.
Sometime in the middle of the summer, these friends confronted me about the whole thing, and I could not be more glad that they did. It was uncomfortable and painful at the time, but growth isn't always comfortable. Anyway, God finally softened my heart around that time and now they are some of my best friends again. And He's been really working on me to get rid of my jealous feelings.
Satan is so sneaky. He completely sabotaged some lifelong friendships and had me believing I was totally innocent in the whole thing. I'm so glad my eyes were opened, and with God's help, I've worked through these things.
Anyway, this year was an amazing year of growth in my relationships. If God needs to take some more time to work on me and shape and mold me, I would rather He do that then just give me what I want, exactly when I want it.
As Joyce Meyer said on Friday night: sometimes God makes you wait for the thing you want so He can see if you're mature enough to handle it. A baby is a huge, life-changing responsibility! And I certainly don't want to bring one into the world until I have everything straightened out in my life. A year ago, I definitely had some growing and maturing to do. And maybe I still have a long way to go. But I'm thankful for the victories He had in my heart and life this year!