I was afraid I wouldn't be accepted to either school, and now I've been accepted to both schools I applied to! This is just another lesson in trust. Through this entire process, I've prayed for the Lord to open doors and close them according to His will. And the fact that He opened two doors just shows me that He is in control, and from the very beginning, I had nothing to fear.
Obviously, this is a hard lesson to learn, since I was struggling with fear again today. My fear was not concerning whether or not I'd get into graduate school anymore, but now it's concerning the fact that: I got accepted...now what?
The packet I received today is full of last minute requirements I'll have to complete before the program starts (CPR class, TB test, HIPAA class, getting my immunizations caught up, having a physical, getting a background check...etc, etc). Just seeing all that's required of me before I even set foot in orientation on August 23 was a rude awakening for me. This is really serious! I'm entering into a health field and there will be a lot of responsibility put on me! I'm going to be working with actual clients, and their well-being is going to be up to me! (and my supervisor, of course). It's all a little scary, and as excited as I am, a little voice in the back of my head keeps saying, "What if I can't do this? What if it's too much responsibility? What if the expense of an education is just too much? What if I fail? What if..? What if...? What if...?" Can you tell I'm a bit of a worrier?
And every time one of those silly "what if?" questions entered my brain, I just had to give it up to God. He's seen me through so much already in the past year! ...The fears of going back to school, getting through my classes, taking the GRE, applying to grad school, going through the interview process, being put on two waiting lists, and then becoming accepted into two schools. And let's not forget that there were other huge struggles in my life during all of this: my health problems, and, oh yeah...that little infertility thing.
Along with my fear, I've struggled a lot this summer with giving my own desires up to God and trusting in His perfect timing. I've mourned over the fact that it seems His plan for me right now is graduate school, and not a baby. Realizing this has been one of the most painful times during our fertility struggle.
But guys...today instead of looking at the thing I'm mourning, God let me see past that and through to the future. And I realized something so exciting that I almost couldn't contain myself. I had to stop what I was doing and sit down and write a blog post right in the moment, while I was feeling God's love overflowing inside my heart.
As I sat down and read through my graduate school packet this morning, I started to let myself think about what the next few years are going to look like.
(Ellie wanted my attention so she laid down right on top of all my paperwork).
I'll be spending two days a week in classes learning about a field I am extremely passionate about. And I'll be getting real, hands-on experience in the clinic, too. I'll be making friends in my classes, and spending all my free time studying.
On top of that, I'll be spending my first fall and Christmas in our "new" apartment. I for some reason cannot wait to experience those seasons down here. I am so excited to decorate our porch with pumpkins and mums in the fall, and spend time out there in the cool fall air with a cup of coffee while I do homework. I also can't wait to get a nice, tall Christmas tree and place it right in the corner of our living room. I can't wait to (hopefully) light a fire in our fireplace and sip a mug of hot cocoa with my Luke, Gabby, and Ellie. I can't wait to decorate the outside of our house with twinkling lights and watch the snow fall outside our beautiful, big, living room windows.
Baby or no baby, I am so excited about my future! This year is going to be difficult, but I just know it's going to be one of the best ever!
I am so happy God has opened my eyes to the things I should be grateful for today! I felt so overwhelmed by His love today as I realized the blessing in the small things I enjoy every single day, like watering my flowers.
I can't believe any survived the heat we've had lately, but most of ours are still going strong!
I continued to feel the warmth of His love as I took a time out from housework to read a chapter of a good book, and enjoy some long sips of coffee.
Someday when I look back on my life, I'm going to be smacking myself for spending way too much of my time in fear, or wishing for different circumstances. This life is a gift, and it makes no sense for me not to enjoy it! I have a God that loves me so much that He sent His son to die for me! Nothing even matters when I remember this.
And my God loves you too, an infinite amount. The best part is that there is nothing we could do to make Him stop loving us! I'm just blown away by that fact this afternoon.
I'm giving up my fear and discontentment today because I'm in His hands, and I realize that the best is yet to come!