I'm so lucky to get to live my dream a little bit this summer. I used to think my dream was to be a teacher. However, I have recently realized that my dream is to be a homemaker, housewife, stay-at-home mom, whatever name you want to give it. I want to spend my days raising my children (who are still a few years off), cleaning my house, cooking, baking, home-decorating, grocery shopping, and creating a haven here for my family. And also, creating a fun, safe place for fellowship in our home.
I thought I could do it all. I thought I could hold a full-time job, keep a spotless home, spend quality time with my husband, cook great meals and bake delicious treats, shop for the best bargains, and someday, raise kids. Since I teach, I was excited to have holidays and summers off work to spend time with my husband and children. Well, I'm finding that even WITHOUT children, when I'm working full time, my house becomes messy and chaotic, I end up ordering out or making easy meals all the time, I have no extra time to bake much, I just get my shopping done as fast as possible without searching as much as I could for great deals, and I end up falling asleep early in the evenings and not having much quality time to spend with my husband (how's that for a run-on sentence?!) The harsh reality is I CAN'T do it all. So the question is, do give half of myself to work and half to my home? Do I give all to work and let my home suffer? Or do I give my all to my home and family? It's an easy question when I look at things that way. I'd rather give my all to my home and family.
Financially, I can't quit my job right now. We are strictly following Dave Ramsey's financial plan, and we need to save as much money as we can and get all of our ducks in a row before we have children. and honestly, if I'm not going to be working once I have kids, I'm glad to have the chance to now. However, once the kiddos start coming, I want to spend every moment with them. I don't want to send my first baby off to a sitter just weeks after he or she is born so I can go back to work. Just thinking about that breaks my heart. Is it selfish of me to feel that way? Maybe. But I know that it will be better for my family if I am home with them.
So where does that leave me now? I'm really not sure. I'm thinking about going back to substitute teaching next year. It's very flexible, I'll have a few days off every now and then, but I will still be making the same amount of money, if not more, than I am now. And then when that first blessed baby comes along, I'm done. My whole life and all of my energy is going into that child. And my husband, and our home.
This is my dream. There's only one problem with that dream: I haven't actually talked seriously with Luke about it. I'm scared! I guess I'm afraid he'll disagree, so I haven't really talked much about it yet. I'm trying to find the right time and the right place. I'm thinking that now is the time, so hopefully sometime this week I'll ask him what he thinks. I'll be praying for an opportunity.
I know there are so many others of you out there that have this same dream. I read blogs of people who are living this dream, who are on the verge of living it, or who are like me: yearning so badly to live it but just can't yet. So it's been really awesome to meet others that feel the same way. I guess I'm afraid or embarrassed to tell the people close to me about it, because I'm afraid they will disapprove, or think I'm trying to be lazy. But I think that homemakers are anything BUT lazy! Today I spent the entire day grocery shopping, cleaning, doing laundry, and deep-cleaning the whole kitchen. I found a quick break to write this, but I'm about to go get dinner in the crock pot, clean the bathroom, and finish some laundry. I can honestly say that I've worked harder today than I do when I'm at work. And if I were at work right now, my day would be ending. But a homemaker's day never ends until her head hits her pillow. I believe it's a noble job, and I don't understand why it is thought of so negatively. I guess you could call me an anti-feminist.
Anyway, I'm babbling. I guess I just needed to write that all out to get my thoughts straight. Plus I have such a passion about this, I just love writing about it. I'm so excited to be finding so many blog-friends out there who have the same dream.
Here's to dreaming about the future.