(I'm sitting here wondering where spring is. It was supposed to make an appearance for the first time today! And I'm glad that it has showed up a few days before now, but it seems to be hiding today, and letting winter have one last hurrah! At least the sun's shining, but there are definitely no spring temperatures going on out there).
I discovered something between yesterday and today. When I posted about my day yesterday, it opened my eyes! That's why I love blogging so much...it can make me discover things about myself. So here's the big discovery that I've been denying until now:
I HATE my job. Absolutely, without a doubt. I've been lying to myself about it for a few months now.
I hate being pushed around and walked all over by everybody.
I hate getting paid as an aide when I'm doing the job of a teacher.
I hate sharing a room with the most pessimistic, narcissistic woman that I have ever met. I mean seriously, she's got problems. She's also a complusive liar among other things.
I've been lying to myself for awhile now. Last year I didn't get taken advantage of as much, and enjoyed my job a lot more. But I finally realize, that I really hate it now. I've also been telling myself that maybe this is just where God wants me, and he wants me to suffer because we aren't supposed to be comfortable or happy all the time. I tried to make myself like it, and tell others that I like it. I pretended to love a lot of my co-workers. The truth is, there are only a select few that I really respect and feel close to.
As I wrote yesterday's post, my eyes were opened. I felt down and depressed all evening. I laid on the couch and fell asleep at 9:30 because I was just feeling so down. I woke up at 11:30, took a shower and got in bed and sobbed. I just didn't feel like I could get through one more day this week. At least not with a good attitude. I prayed that God would lead me, and that he would be with me Friday (today). I even prayed for an easy day today, although I felt a little guilty while doing it. It's just really exhausting and hard to work a job every single day that you absolutely hate.
God answered my prayers! Every once in awhile, our school has a really hard time finding subs. When that happens, I get pulled from my aide position and I sub for the day. Last year when this happened I would get angry that they were taking me from my everyday job. This morning when Mary (secretary) told me I'd be subbing in a third grade classroom, I couldn't keep the smile off of my face. That's when I really realized how much I'd started to hate my job. But God did what I had selfishly asked last night: he gave me an easy day. I had such a great time with the third grade class I was with. It was refreshing, and made me realize that I really DO love teaching, I just HATE being everyone's slave. And it was also good, because Mrs. C (the lady I share a room with and pretty much work for) almost couldn't get through the day without me. I thought maybe she'd finally realize how much I really do help her while I'm there. And that she maybe relies on me a little too much, and takes advantage of me a little bit.
I think since I have the weekend to regroup, have fun, and REST, I will be a little more able to face the world on Monday. We only have 10 weeks of school left. I feel a peace from God that I can leave this job. I don't feel that it's where he wants me anymore. I really don't think that God wants us to WILLINGLY suffer for no good reason. And that's what I've been doing these past few months.
On the agenda for this weekend (if I find time to post...which we all know I probably will!):
-Some pictures! My posts have been seriously lacking them lately!
-Update on my grandpa's surgery. They actually pushed it back until today (it was supposed to be yesterday). Apparently, it's kind of a risky surgery to remove the gallstone, because they have to work around lots of delicate, vital organs. My mom told me that last night and I wish she hadn't. I've been a ball of stress every since. And I think that might have also been part of the reason I cried myself to sleep last night.
-Recap of the women's retreat at my church that I'm attending tomorrow. I can't wait, it should be so much fun!