I used to wonder, "Why me?" Why did I have to struggle to get pregnant when it seemed so many other girls could get pregnant without even trying?
My months of infertility were one of the hardest things I've had to go through yet. I have always wanted to be a mom and the thought that I may never get the chance broke my heart.
At the time, I struggled to see the purpose in it all. Of course in my head I knew that the Lord always has a plan. But it was frustrating not knowing His plan and wondering why. I couldn't see it.
But as I think back on our journey to get pregnant with our son, when I look for the purpose in it now, I can more clearly see it. He does see the big picture, and I don't - I can't know all His reasons for allowing us to go through ovulatory infertility for 11 months. But I realize now that there are several things I gained through those months of waiting and hoping for a baby, and God did use it in my life personally, and to help others.
I learned to trust Him. It's easy to say you are trusting the Lord when everything is going your way, but the hard work of trusting him comes when everything is falling apart.
I never knew His power, His comfort, His grace as deeply as when I had to give Him my deepest desire and just trust Him. I had to accept that He knows what He's doing and let Him handle it. In exchange, I got the gift of knowing Him better - and I wouldn't trade that for an easier road to motherhood.
Through our problems getting pregnant the Lord also gave me the opportunity to really know what other girls were going through and to have the ability to be an encouragement. You really can't understand how lonely and heartbreaking infertility is until you have dealt with it yourself.
In retrospect, I realize that yes, those months of infertility were a huge trial I had to walk through . . . but it was more than that. It was a calling. The Lord doesn't call everyone to travel through infertility. I think the Lord led me through this for a reason - He knew I could handle it, and He wanted to use it in my life. Not only personally, but also that through this trial I could know what others were going through and be an encouragement to them, just as so many of them were an encouragement to me.
When I look at it that way - that the Lord chose me for this fertility struggle so that I could bring glory to Him and encouragement to others - it suddenly becomes a privilege to have walked through this trial, rather than something that was inflicted upon me. It is always a privilege to be used by Him, even if it means we have to go through some suffering - because didn't He suffer much worse for us?
Hindsight is 20/20. The Lord has allowed me to see the answer, at least part of it, to the "Why me?" questions I used to ask.
I can see how the Lord has used my trials, and in light of that, I wouldn't go back and change a thing.
Now, I know it's easy to say these things from the other side, now that I have a baby. But I just want to encourage all you ladies who are going through this now to look for the way the Lord wants to use this in your life, and the lives of others. Trust me, He will use it if you let Him.
But you have to look for it, or you just might miss it.