So here goes...
For the past 15 months, Luke and I have been living with a monster. At first it seemed cute and harmless, but somehow changed over time.
As weeks and months went on, the monster became uglier, bigger, and more threatening in our lives. The worst part about it was that it had control over our actions, thoughts, and emotions.
There was no escaping it. It followed us everywhere. From room to room in the house, we could not hide.
And then it started following us out with friends, causing us to feel alienated and jealous. Sometimes it would send me running to the bathroom to hide my tears when a friend or relative made a totally innocent comment.
The only good thing about the monster is that it has driven me much closer to Luke, my safe haven. In that way it has strengthened our marriage and created a bond between my husband and I.
At the same time, it tries to convince me that Luke got the raw end of the deal in marrying me. Who would want to marry someone who's living with a monster? I know it's lying, but it has some convincing arguments.
The monster has even followed us into the most intimate parts of our marriage, turning something that should be sacred into something clinical.
Over time, I've learned to control the monster a bit. It no longer follows me everywhere, and I can usually keep it locked away. However, there are certain times when it jumps out unexpectedly and violently attacks me.
The monster has a name. A name that I hate so much, I've started to call it "The I word."
I'm sure you've probably figured out that the monster is infertility.
For 15 months Luke and I have been trying to begin our family with no luck yet. It has been by far the hardest thing I've ever gone through and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I've asked God "why?" so many times. Why has He given me such an extremely intense desire to be a mom, and yet He's not letting that happen? Why has He chosen for us to walk through this storm? I certainly don't feel strong enough to handle it.
But that's the thing about God. We don't have to be strong enough. When we're tired and weary and feeling like we can't take another step, He is begging to take over and carry us.
This was such a hard thing for me to open up about on the blog. It's something that I almost feel ashamed and embarrassed of. But the hardest thing about the whole struggle for me has been how alone I've felt.
I've realized that the best people to help women who are going through infertility, are other women who are going through infertility at the same time. So I decided I want to use this platform that God has given me, and reach out to other women going through the same thing so we can connect, talk, and pray for each other.
Tomorrow I'm going to share some of the new plans I have for the blog. Don't worry, it's not going to become an "infertility only" blog. But I've got some plans in the works that I can't wait to begin!! I am so excited about this! So if you are going through infertility, please stop back here tomorrow. And if you have a friend who is going through infertility, send them over as well.
Before I sign off, I want to mention that I have a new email address: firstname.lastname@example.org. If you are going through this journey as well and you need someone to talk to, send me an email! I would love it if we could talk and pray for one another.
Thank you so much for reading my story. I was extremely nervous about sharing it, but I know sharing my story and helping other women who are going through the same thing is going to take away a huge part of the power the monster holds!