Unpredictable

Every once in awhile I go back and look at an old post. Really, it's the reason I blog anyway. It's awesome that for the past three years, I can go back and look at so many memories and thoughts. Anyway, the other day I stumbled across an old post that made my heart hurt a little. It was written about a month before we had started trying for a baby. When I wrote the post, I knew that we were just about ready to start trying, and in typical Jessica fashion, I was jumping the gun a bit. Putting the cart before the horse. Counting my eggs before they had hatched. You get the picture. You can read my naive post here.

When I wrote that post in May of 2010, here is exactly where I thought I'd be right now, in September of 2011:

• Spending my days taking care of my baby.
  
• Maybe substitute teaching a few days a week, but probably not working much.
  
• Being a breast-feeding, natural baby food-making, cloth-diapering, mama.
  
• Going to play groups with all of my friends and their babies.
• Making fun, first fall memories with our new family of three.
  
• Researching and strongly considering homeschooling.
  

So basically, I had a life all planned out for myself. And I was so excited about it, I thought for sure God would make it happen!

But I've learned my lesson now. We don't always get what we want. Because it isn't always the thing that's best.

This is sort of a funny comparison, but when I was little, I wanted a hamster so badly! Apparently I cried silent, heart-broken tears one night at the pet shop because I so desperately wanted one, but my parents wouldn't let me get one. My mom said she felt horrible seeing me cry like that, because apparently I didn't ask for much when I was little, and it was hard to say no to this. But my dad was adamant about it. And now that I'm all grown up, I can see hamsters as the disgusting little rodents that they are, and I'm glad they said no! (no offense to anyone who loves hamsters. haha!) Not only did they spare me from buying a gross pet, but it also taught me an important lesson: you don't always get what you want! Even if you want it really, really badly.

Now the thing I want is no longer a hamster but a baby. And I'm sure God's heart breaks when he sees me crying, just like my mom's did with the hamster situation. However, He still knows what is best right now, and a baby must not be it. Just because I have a strong desire for something, doesn't mean that God's just going to snap His fingers and make it happen right now. And I'm glad of that, because He sees the whole picture while I just see a tiny part of it.

So instead of all of those things I had pictured for myself in September of 2011, here's what is really happening instead:

• I'm spending my time in speech pathology classes, and studying during most of my free time
• Still substitute teaching whenever I can
• Being a wife instead of a mother, and having fun with the homemaking side of that.
• Having total freedom with my spare time. Going out and doing pretty much whatever I want whenever the mood strikes.
  
• Making wonderful memories with my friends and family, even without a baby.
• Forgetting the idea of homeschooling, or even being a stay-at-home mom. instead, picturing myself working with children and hopefully changing their lives, and making them able to communicate better.
  

If I could have seen into the future when I wrote that post, I wouldn't have been able to believe it. I never pictured myself going back to school for another degree. And I certainly didn't picture myself going through something like infertility. But at the end of the day, it is what it is! And for right now, in this moment, I'm very happy. I may never be a stay-at-home mom. It may even be a very long time before I'm a mom at all. But as long as God is in control, I have nothing to worry about.

Besides my longing for a baby, everything in my life is amazing right now. God has blessed me so richly. I am back in school for something I have such a strong passion for! I know I will love doing this for the rest of my life. The school I've chosen to attend is extremely close to where my sister lives and my aunt works, so I've gotten to spend a lot of time with them. Luke and I have become so close through this whole ordeal, and there is no one I'd rather be walking through this with. Recently a few friendships have been reconciled (which, by the way, our fertility issues had a BIG part in messing up) and I've so enjoyed spending time with these friends. And on top of it all, it's my favorite time of year!

My life doesn't look anything like what I'd planned for myself. But that's okay! Honestly, it makes life more exciting anyway.

If your life doesn't look like you thought it would, don't lost hope. Embrace it! Let God make it work for you!!

And listen to the song Unpredictable by Francesca Battistelli. I couldn't find it on You Tube, but it's a really good song, and goes along with my thoughts in this post exactly.

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I'm getting together my prayer list for the infertility prayer chain today. I will either send it out today or tomorrow. So let me know if you would like to be added to the list, or if you would like to be a prayer warrior! email me at mysomethingbeautifulblog@gmail.com

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Also, come back tomorrow for a guest post from one of my closest blog friends! She walked through her own fertility journey for almost a year before becoming pregnant with her son, and she has so much hope to share!