After lunch today I walked back to my classroom for a quiet 20 minutes alone before it was time for my students to get back from recess. I had no work to do, and was just sitting at my desk, thinking and praying. I think the fact that I was alone and it was completely quiet allowed God to really open up my eyes to what I had been blind to:
I am not really living.
Lately I've spent all of my spare time upstairs, lying in my oversize bean-bag chair, watching TV, messing around on my computer, and sleeping. Oh, and consuming WAY too many calories at the same time. I've had no desire to do anything else. Dishes and laundry have been left untouched, phones calls left unmade, and refrigerator left unfilled.
I'm not sure what's going on, but I have felt dead inside. I've been using food, computer, TV, and even sleep to escape from my life. Whenever my brain is not occupied by one of these activities, I just break down and cry. At work I've been snapping at my students for things that wouldn't normally bother me. I have not been the loving teacher that I should be.
As I realized all of these things at work, I began to cry. How did I let things get like this in such a short amount of time? It was at that exact moment - at my desk trying to pull myself together before my students got back - that I realized I need to change just about every aspect of my life. I have to be the one to make things change and make things happen. I finally realized things don't just happen on their own. I need to be proactive!
My blog is going to become a place where I document all the changes I am making in order to turn things around.
Okay, time for more honesty...during this sedentary, slightly depressed stage I seem to be going through, I have racked up quite the to-do list for myself. I think, because of this, I must tweak my New Year's Resolution a little bit. I think going to the gym 5 times a week is a pretty lofty goal for someone who may or may not have clean clothes to wear on any given day (I told you my laundry is stacking up like crazy!) So my new resolution is to simply turn this life around. I'm going to rely more on God, and I'm going to make things happen in my own life! I guess this is a pretty abstract goal, and hard to measure (Can you tell I'm a teacher? It bothers me when objectives can't be clearly measured on some sort of scale). But I'm going to take it a step at a time, and change my life! Maybe after I make a lot of baby steps I'll be able to start the whole gym thing, but I want to start with the basics and get my life back in order first! I'm sick of sitting on my butt all the time! I think it needs a break :-P
Well hopefully next time I write it will be about some sort of progress that I've made! I feel better after this post...I feel like I'm being honest, and that I just made a big step in the right direction for my life.
I'm not sure what's going on, but I have felt dead inside. I've been using food, computer, TV, and even sleep to escape from my life. Whenever my brain is not occupied by one of these activities, I just break down and cry. At work I've been snapping at my students for things that wouldn't normally bother me. I have not been the loving teacher that I should be.
As I realized all of these things at work, I began to cry. How did I let things get like this in such a short amount of time? It was at that exact moment - at my desk trying to pull myself together before my students got back - that I realized I need to change just about every aspect of my life. I have to be the one to make things change and make things happen. I finally realized things don't just happen on their own. I need to be proactive!
My blog is going to become a place where I document all the changes I am making in order to turn things around.
Okay, time for more honesty...during this sedentary, slightly depressed stage I seem to be going through, I have racked up quite the to-do list for myself. I think, because of this, I must tweak my New Year's Resolution a little bit. I think going to the gym 5 times a week is a pretty lofty goal for someone who may or may not have clean clothes to wear on any given day (I told you my laundry is stacking up like crazy!) So my new resolution is to simply turn this life around. I'm going to rely more on God, and I'm going to make things happen in my own life! I guess this is a pretty abstract goal, and hard to measure (Can you tell I'm a teacher? It bothers me when objectives can't be clearly measured on some sort of scale). But I'm going to take it a step at a time, and change my life! Maybe after I make a lot of baby steps I'll be able to start the whole gym thing, but I want to start with the basics and get my life back in order first! I'm sick of sitting on my butt all the time! I think it needs a break :-P
Well hopefully next time I write it will be about some sort of progress that I've made! I feel better after this post...I feel like I'm being honest, and that I just made a big step in the right direction for my life.
I feel like you! I just lost my dad over Christmas. Passed on Dec 19 and we had the HOme going service on Dec 27. He is lucky to spend Christmas with his Savior, we are sad but still happy for him. The hole in our hearts is there and we need to learn how to live all over again. He was the patriarch and glue that kept us together and had such strong faith that now I need to learn what MY faith is for myself. Hope we can be buds. Check me out at my blog. http://stuffoflife-allie.blogspot.com/search?q=
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your feeling this way. I know that writing about it can help immensely. Do you take time out for yourself? I don't mean computer and all of that. Do you do stuff like paint your nails or take a bubble bath? Stuff to make you feel good about yourself? Or how about a girls night where you hang out with your girlfriends. Whatever's wrong I hope you can figure it out. I'm here for you!
ReplyDeleteI hope you start to feel better. Hopefully, realizing what's going on is the turning point... Be strong. You're clearly a loving, caring person, and beautiful on the inside and out.
ReplyDelete